MENTAL ILLNESS AND THE LAW

Hello. It is now very close to christmas which I am not celebrating because I have nobody to spend it with. I miss my son so much. The pain is so high. I have never been so hurt that nobody will give me the time of day for something I never did. I am depressed and angry at the same time.

This is not what I am writing about today. I have recently been in trouble with the law for shoplifting when I had no money for shopping. I have been in jail several times and now there is a warrant out for my arrest because I breached my conditions by going to our mall which I was told not to go to. I am so scared. I dont want to go back to jail in my medical condition. I spend hours last night searching for a defense lawyer who deals with people having a mental illness.

In my research I found out there is thousands of people with a mental illness getting into trouble with the law. Most are not educated and do not know how to defend themselves and our legal system crushes them. I am highly educated and have a fighting chance to beat these legal problems I have right now. Also those uneducated people qualify for legal aide. I do not. I make too much money for free legal help and not enough to retain a good defense lawyer. I am also supposed to report to the probation office once a month. I know as soon as I attend they will call the police to come get me so I am avoiding them till the new year. I also received a letter of application to change one of my conditions which is to be able to attend our only mall. As soon as my probation is over I am then going to apply to the parole board for a clemency or suspension which will erase my record in order to be able to travel again. This is free. I am going to use my illness to my advantage to defend myself. I hope it works. If I applied for a pardon or waivor they are about $800 each and there is no guarantee.

I have been planning my retirement in about five years to spend six months a year every year to share a condo with another woman my age living part time in the Bahamas. I have a couple friends there who will help me find a condo.

Not like most people I have been planning my whole life including my retirement and possible illness since I was 25. Nobody wants to talk about retirement for some reason.  It seems the older we get the faster time flies. I am going to die with a big grin on my face living in paradise. My first job was working with the elderly. I have 8 years experience. They taught me alot. I paid attention regarding what happens if you do not prepare for the last 20 yrs of your life. I could be gone tomorrow so I treat every day like it is my last. I learned so many mistakes people made and what the outcome was. I took all the good information to use in my retirement. I met some elderly people in their 80s and 90s who live somewhere hot six months a year for their retirement. They are all alert and happy now. If I play my cards right I can live that dream also.

I learned alot about depression. One thing I learned is to get up each day with many projects to work on to keep myself sane. Everytime I reach a goal big or small I reward myself with some jewelry or something. My childhood was no negative and my parents never once said they were proud of me. Nobody has. So I have to pat myself on the back.

Since I cannot work anymore which I miss so much I am now working from home cash jobs which has doubled my income. My company still employees me and my union takes good care of me with full benefits for life. It is impossible to get into a union now.

I see so many people around me living on welfare who can easily take a pill and go to work. They are lazy living off the system which my taxes pay for. I hate lazy stupid people. I was always a hard worker and worked with many lazy employees which drove me nuts. If they did not do their job we had to do it for them. There is now so many government programs or cheap programs to take to aquire a good paying job but they look at me like I am speaking french. They like to constantly complain that they have nothing. Nobody is going to come to your house to give you a job. There is so many lazy freeloaders around me which drives me nuts. When I get paid they are all over me. If I ask them for anything they always say no so I am getting wise and refuse to do anything for them. I have some very nice things in my home and am proud of myself. They have nothing wishing they had what I had but are not willing to work for it. I used to feel sorry for them but now I dont. I grew up with alot of wealthy people who had parents who handed them everything they wanted. I wanted nice things too but nobody would ever help me out. I became very independant and worked very hard for anything I wanted to buy. I am an excellent shopper also. I have many expensive items which I found dirt cheap. I am proud of myself for buying something really nice paying half of what others paid for the same thing. I even bought nicer things they purchased. I have about $5000 worth of clothing because I hit the thrift stores around very wealthy people which meant they were giving away very expensive clothing. I know my designer names and just the feel of the clothing knowing it was originally very expensive. I hooked up the best sound system to my computer which shocks some people. I have always liked the best of everything. I am very good at making money. I could wake up with a dollar then have $80 by noon. I just spent my whole check to my landlord and had nothing left over so I am relying on my second income for food and smokes and cat stuff.

I have owned a computer as soon as they came out. It took me a few years to be able to use it well and fix it on my own. Everybody who has a computer always has problems with their systems at some point and cannot fix it. It is very expensive to fix also. I taught myself to fix anything on my own. The first few times it took me days. Now it only takes me a couple hours. I could easily teach new users charging $100 an hour. I do not have a car right now so I can only do it locally. I desperately need to get rid of my debts of $3000 to be able to open up more doors. Every time I plan on making a payment something happens which stops me from my goal. I had planned on buying a new car but need to pay $1500 to my trustee to get a discharge. Once I get this discharge I can easily purchase a brand new car. I am staying in good shape walking alot for about a year now.

Back to our bc court systems which are helping criminals more then victims. They get free legal assistance. Free lodging and food and can educate themselves in jail. I found out if I was physically  abused as a child the police would help me but since I was mentally abused they wont help me. This condition has not been taken seriously for so many years. I might not have a heart condition or ms but I do have an illness which suicide is being done all the time. It does kill and nobody in our legal systems seems to understand we need extra help. I just recently found out that there is so many mentally ill people taking illegal drugs and have been in jail and court for many years. Most do not realize what they are doing at the time the crime was made.  one therapist told me he was surprised I wasnt downtown putting needles in my arm. All those homeless people have no education and are constantly thrown in jail with no assistance from anyone. I am highly educated which I paid for which provided me with a good life.

I might have repeated myself in one of the 36 articles I have in my blog. I have been getting so many calls from publishers who want hundreds from me to publish my book. I am intelligent enough to write and convert it into an ebook to sell online using a money transfer or paypal. Some things take me a long time to figure out like this one but I am completely confident to say I will produce a great book to sell very soon. My intention is to educated people about how serious having a mental illness is. If I can save one life with this book it will be worth all the hard work.

Your brain is an amazing organ. It hides information often when things are too stressful to you which makes you completely do not remember an event. I learned this from my mom. She told me alot of stories of my childhood which I did not remember. Then when you write a book about it you have to relive many events you tried so hard to forget. I had to stop several times because it was upsetting me too much.

Be strong and independant and always educate yourself daily. It opens up alot of doors for you. I believe for every door that closes another one opens. The more you understand things the better you can handle anything life throws at you. Anyways I hope you like my articles. I was going to stop but realized it would be a very small book so I am trying to make it larger to look like a book not a magazine. Take care of yourself and find someone to hug every day. Bye for now

Tere

CHRISTMAS 2014

Here I go again. One more holiday alone. I have such a big birth and adopted family and nobody wants anything to do with me. Still the only thing that really hurts me is another year without my son. I miss him so much. I was a good mom but leaving his dad three times kind of upset him more then I thought it did. I have been thinking about suicide alot lately then my cats cuddle up to me with nobody but me to take care of them.

I just remind myself that I am not alone completely. There is thousands of people spending the holidays alone. Since I reformatted my computer twice this year which is making me smarter. If I am not out running around town I am on my computer doing so  many things like banking, paying bills, keeping up with three email addresses. I then keep working on my book. I found out how to create my book when I realized I only have 35 articles and I think I need more for a small book. I will now carry on during the holidays and release it in the new year.

Men having been hitting on me my whole life. It was flattering years ago but eventually it starts getting annoying knowing they all just want sex. I have had alot of medical problems growing up including having five miscarriages. That hurt. I did not want my son to be an only child and I also really wanted a little girl but things didn't work out for me. I have alot to complain about but sometimes you listen to others which makes your life is so much better and I feel lucky.

I have also been so busy trying to find another condo here in my home town that I can afford and also most of them says no pets. This is the first time in 30 yrs that I could not afford to move so now I have a studio room at the beach in white rock at cedar lane motel. I hate almost everyone one in here allow I have the best landlords I have had in years. Everybody is about the same age but most of them are on welfare or disability barely getting by. They are all over me when I get paid. Most of them have made it clear that they want to see me naked but I will not have anything with anybody in here. One of them bugging me right infront of my landlord and I told him if I did do something with him the whole block would know the next day. He agreed. I like him but I do not trust him. I only  like one guy who is 65 now. He is nice and mellow and doesn't talk about other people all the time. I think he is too mellow and try to get him out but when he moved here from ontario he didn't explore BC. Most people my age have not experience what I did for ten years in a row hanging out at tropical islands alone for thee weeks each way. My son's father wanted to wait until he retires. All I could think was being in a wheelchair at age 70 with a tube of oxogin on me all the time. I have had many health problems since birth so I could not wait so I started travelling when I was 28. I worked with many well off interesting people at the headquarters which housed about 3500 people all day. I have so many good memories hanging out with my friends at work. I spent most of my life at work so they were my family. When I started working from home I miss them remembering all the good times. Even if I went back right now I know most of them have quit, retired, took the buyout or moved. My best friend at work met some guy online from Kansas in the USA. She made me look like a saint and she marries a guys who is so clean so far away from here. I couldn't leave my good job for anyone anywhere. I fell for a guy also many years ago in Atlanta, Georgia. I met him online. He was so handsome and successful but a single parent to two annoying little girls which got in the way. Then I found out he has a bad record of too many bitter and short relationships which tells me if I moved there chances are high that we wouldn't make it. He sent me an airline ticked for one week there. He looked like clint black. Then I find out he is sleeping with all his neighbors wives when the guys are out of town. He obviously has relationship problems and not a good investment. He asked me to call him as soon as I got home so I did for weeks just to be ignored. I was so mad that I hated all men and didn't go out on any dates for a years then all of a sudden he finds me again and asks me to come for a month. I was excited and flattered at first but I find I cannot forgive people so easily anymore. Men lie to me all the time. I have never found one I could count on completely. When I am settled down I take of my family with nice healthy meals and a clean house always. I mainly raised our son myself and I know nobody would ever give me a pat on the back for a great job. That is ok the proof is in the pudding. He is a good hard working social and handsome young man because I made him like that. I know I made many mistakes but I know many people who were not good parents.
My son will never understand that he was the first grandchild who my parents loved so much that they turned into two very nice people. They were not like that raising me and my brothers. Also most people do not want to understand how serious depression is. When I lost him 9 yrs ago something died inside of me. I feel exactly like those women on tv talk shows talking about losing their children. You are a victim for life with little help from anyone in our government along with our shitty court services. The cops don't even want to talk to me unless I was physically abused. I was a small sick little girl having to witness my drunk father beating up my epileptic brother which scared me.

I do alot of research and one day I found an article that said it is a criminal offense to abuse a disabled child. I cannot wait to ask the judge if this article is true and if it is can I charge him. I have many years against me but I am still going to try to take him to court this year sometime. I just need to get another printer. I am also busy trying to pay off a $3000 bill as soon as possible so that I can buy another car and move out of this dump.

I left my storage bill got too high months ago so one night I left them a message to throw out my stuff and start over. The only thing that upsets me is all my pictures and some ID are gone. I guess I am really starting over. I was a mess when I moved in here a year ago. Everyone here has been telling me that since I cut back on the drugs I am looking very good.. I have a really nice fall waredrobe now because I am always at the thrift store picking up some very expensive things for less then $5 each.  I have the best sound system I have ever had by getting a cheap sub woofer with two computer speakers. Sounds awesome now. Then I just waited for the right time to buy a large flat screen tv. I ended up with an eld 28 in for the same price I was going to pay for a 42 inch lcd which I find out is ten times better then lcd's. I love getting nicer things for way cheaper then anyone else has. I also bought a $2000 bed for only $300. Brand new and so comfortable. I have a bad back and it is helping me out big time until today. I spent four hours walking and waiting to see a doctor for the pain and muscle relaxatives. I am also on ulcer meds. Now I take 21 regular pills every day. Then if my back starts hurting there is those meds. Then I take my garlic pills I swear prevents any illness. I also take vitamin d's to make up from the loss of sunshine in the winter.

In my spare time I am trying to find another woman my age with the same dream as I have about spending six months a year every year in the bahamas. I have to wait until my probabtion is over then I will be filing for a clemency or suspension due to mental illness when I got caught shoplifting. Hopefully this will not be a problems during my trips.

Well I am going to sign off today saying you have no idea how many people suffer from depression some time in their lives or permanently ill like myself. It can kill and does. I am a very good writer so I am going to present a very good impact statement in supreme court this year. So I am working on getting rid of my $3000 bill then I have to renew my drivers license and birth certificate. Then I am going to find a car in the meantime I will be spending almost every month for a new condo. I am so miserable living here. I am very good at decorating a room so I turned this small ugly little room with no kitchen or bdrm into a nice clean, cosy and nicely decorated small room trying to give you the illusion that it is bigger then it is.

I think I am going to continue this book right until the end of my court case against my father.

Give someone a hug. It always helps me.


Tere

Do not grieve at christmas. There is so many of us suffering

Remember when you used to love christmas. Seems so long ago. I am 50 now with a 29 yr old son out there there hating me. I do not acknowledge christmas anymore. I have nobody who wants to be with him.
I know there will be many who will commit suicide during the silly season. I am home alone with too much time to worry about my pain. I wake up every morning with many projects I am working on online. I am so proud of myself being able to fix my system anytime. Most people have to call a tech who charges $100 an hour. I am still  a student at kwantlen university with ten yeas of studying. I was so close to get into their full time one year program which would make me a certified tech charging big money.
This computer is a brand new HP laptop. It is running windows 8.1 and I am used to xp. I am still trying to figure it out. I also just bought myself a new cell phone so that I won't miss any calls when I go out.. I just call forward my home to my cell.
I have been working on finding a new home for over a year with no luck. I have also looking for work as a virtual office assistant. I have so many skills to offer the right employer. I am the only person in this motel that makes good money with excellent benefits and perks.
Education is the key word. If you do not educate yourself you will end up being abused by a business who wants you to work just give them under full time hours so that they don't have to pay benefits. I am shock to find out how many people I know have no retirement.
That reminds me. My son's father told me he wanted to wait till he retired to travel. I then when I left him for the second time I started spending three weeks alone to different caribbean islands for three weeks each time. I have so many good memories. I will never forget those months. I went every year for ten years. My mom had just retired and he was the first grandchild so they had lots of fun together while I was gone.

I have been getting alot of calls from publishers wanting me to pay them to fix and sell my book online. I am pretty smart so why can't I market it and sell it myself through my paypal account. I build a really nice blog with a background and many video clips. Every time I find a free book maker they do not include my pictures and video clips. I have been working on this book for about a year now with no help. Some one told me has been following my writing for about a year now and was told they were very professional. He said I should be a writer.
I am currently looking for a home and a job. I am  presently living in the smallest room I have ever had for $700 a month not including utilities. I have no kitchen, freezer or bdrm. I hate it here. There is 14 units with all losers in them. I try to keep to myself. I get up each day and read my emails while sipping on my hot delicious coffee and a smoke. Then I have a bath and get dressed. Do my hair and catch the bus uptown. We now have many thrift stores. The clothes in north surrey are not as good quality as ours is. I have a very expensive wardrobe, A fur coat. I just bought myself a new diamond ring for my birthday. Nobody has ever told me they were proud of me so I have to treat myself . I grew up with alot of rich friends then when I started working at Telus I made hundreds of friends. I loved my jobs there. I moved around to different building to make changes, meeting new people and acquiring more skills.

So I am working on about five different occupations right now as well as trying to find another condo I can afford. I have lived here for over 30 yrs and have never had a problem finding another condo. It scared the hell out of me to find out there is nothing under $2000 a month and nobody wants pets. I can and can't understand this being a landlord before and living in apartment building with people who do not keep their places clean. You can often smell cats me walking by their door. I have to convince someone that I am a clean freak. People come into my small motel room and say wow.

Another christmas without my son again. I am already feeling the depression coming one so I have to keep myself even busier. Since I start a small home business when I left work it has doubled my income but I am not giving a landlord half of my check. I just bought myself a new cell phone so that I could transfer all my home calls to my cell so I don't miss out making more money.
I have always been good at finding money. I only work an hour a day and make about $160 a day added onto my two checks. One is the pension plan and the other is my union.


I feel sorry for people who desperately need dental work done and they charge way too much. They just can't afford to get them fixed. I had a few that got infected so I had to take some antibiotics for a week and a pain killer. All my medications from my there are worth about $600 a month which I don't have to pay a cent for.

I left home and got a great paying job, a car and moved in with my biker boyfriend which freaked out my mom. I told her if she wants to live like this go for it but I am gone. My first love treated me so good. It was the first time I had some love and attention. I wasn't uses to it. He will always be in my heart. Speaking of the heart people keep saying my kid will come back to me. We were tight for 20 yrs. I gave him everything. Now he won't even allow me to tell him the crap his dad told him about me is not true. Even criminals get their day in court.

In the new year I desperately need to pay off my $3000 debt which will open up alot of doors for me. Then I have to give ICBC  $700 for a hit and run I did not do. I so called female friend borrowed it and wrecked it. I have not seen her since. I noticed there is alot of freeloaders out there in the world perfectly able to work. Then they bug the rest of us for smokes and other things because their check is gone in a week.

I am now going to find out how I can market and sell my second book which was one of the hardest things I have done. Reliving moments I tried to hide for so long. There is alot more of them also according to my mom which made me ignore my dad for a year and cannot remember. I have also been known to sleepwalk or faint and end up on the bathroom floor with a concussion which lasted three weeks .

While converting my web site and transfered it into an ebook I realized I don't think I have enough articles so I think I will keep writing about twently more. Have a good one.

Tere

With love from sunny white rock

Hello. I just love my computer. I have been up all night playing and fixing. I usually have to fix something almost everyday which always teaches me something new. I do all my repairs now. Sometimes I can fix it quickly and sometimes it takes days. Having a hobby like this that keeps your mind sharp is so good for anyone suffering from depression. It is hard to cry when you are focused on something. I love my system.

I did mention before when you wake each day you need an agenda for the day. Sometimes I only have one project and other days I have many errands to do. I have to work very hard keeping myself busy because the pain I feel every single day missing my son stops me from wanting to kill myself. When ever I see something on tv about people who had their child go missing or murdered. It always makes me cry for a bit. I feel like they do. The pain and loss are so unbearable somedays.

Having a pet is another good idea for this medical condition. The love they give you makes you feel so good. You could be just ready to start crying when they all of a sudden do something funny and my mood immediately brightens up.

Ever since I got evicted from my last condo due to so called friends getting me into trouble with my landlord I feel like I have fallen down a deep hole. Now I have to crawl back up. I am stuck in a one room motel room right now paying $700 with no kitchen or bdrm. I cannot find anything I can afford in the ad section online in papers and many other sites. I am trying to make the best of this situation no matter how much I hate it here. My neighbors are all losers that just take and take and never give. I am trying to ignore all of them. Even my landlords have lied to me a couple times. They have been like family for a year now which makes their lies make me feel so shitty.

I have been single for over four years now. I think I am finally ready for another relationship but I have not met anyone I would like to date yet. I am very independent and like my privacy so it is not too bad being alone. I just keep myself as busy as possible every single day. Listen up......this is very important. Some days you wake up with no reason to get out of bed. You have to force yourself to get up and have a shower etc and go out shopping even if it is just window shopping. Do laundry or many other chores. I am always cleaning this small room. I think my unit is the cleanest in here.

Anyways, I have been up all night. I am now going to have a bath and get ready for another day without my beloved son. I miss him so much especially during holidays and birthdays, mothers day etc. I take 21 pills a day but I still feel so much pain and think about suicide all the time. Everyday is a challenge. Don't give up. Keep moving. Have a good one.


Tere

TRUST

Hello. I have been looking at my articles thinking I am almost done when I realized I need more for a small book so here goes.

Today I want to talk about trust. Every man I have met has let me down. They promise me one thing and do not follow through. Every single one of them. Some I think I can trust I give them anything but they do not give back when they can. This really hurts. It feels like everyone is lying to me. I want to trust men but how can I when all of them are unreliable. I did not want to grow old, alone and bitter. They dont want to date me. They just want to get my clothes off because they find me attractive. I do look good for 50 but nobody respects me. I have been ignored and lied to since birth so how can I keep positive.

I seem to have welcome alcoholics on my forehead. All the losers want me. I would rather be alone. It is a good thing I do not mind being alone. Being independent has paid off. I just keep busy and forget about how much I hate being alone.

I think I am going to write another 20 or 30 articles to make a good size book.

I have nobody in this world I can depend on for anything. I feel so alone. I am 50 now and not one man has kept his promise. I want to be able to trust everyone but the older I get the more impatient I get about them. It does not help growing up with no positive male role models. The first five years in a childs life is so important. If I was not so well educated and intelligent I bet I would be downtown putting needles in my arm.

I have been single for about four years now and am now ready to share my life with someone but I am losing hope. Nobody has ever cared about me. I have no family or friends anymore. It is just me and my two cats who I love dearly.  If it wasnt for them I think I would try suicide again. I have had enough of this life.

I look at so many people my age or older who did not prepare for retirement and watching them suffer now is sad. The decisions you make early in life are very important. Sometimes when I am not busy I work on spending six months a year in the bahamas with another female my age. I do have a criminal record now though so I have to wait five years before I can apply for a pardon and waivor. I am also working on getting my sentence over turned called a suspension or clemency using my mental illness to my advantage. I think I have to apply at the appeals court house. I make too much money for legal aide and not enough for a good lawyer so again I am on my own. I also want to eventually get this case going to sue my dad in supreme court for $50,000 called a financial hardship award or then years of lost potential income. My mind is on overdrive thinking about all the things I plan on doing for the next year and five years down the road.

I have had lots of publishers calling me wanting to do my book for me but they want too much money. I figure I am smart enough to eventually figure out how to do it myself for free. Free is good.

Well that is enough bitching for me today. I am not in a good mood after doing so much for my neighbor then when he gets paid I cant even get a pack of smokes from him. I am so disappointed. I liked him even though he is lazy and boring. He is a taker not a giver. I do both but everyone I know just takes and does not want to give. Well here goes another year alone with nobody to help me or make me feel good. Men just want sex from me so now I make them pay for it. That is how much respect I have for them. I wish I liked women better.

Anyways, it is monday morning very early in the morning. I do not know whether to go back to bed or have a bath. I am not sure when the first bus comes to take me to the grocery store. I do not think I can sleep now so I think I am just going to have a bath and get dressed. I am not in a good mood right now. If one more person lets me down I am going to lose it.

Till the next time. Bye for now.

Tere

FOR EVERY DOOR THAT CLOSES ANOTHER ONE OPENS

Hello. I have done so much research about mental illness problems and am shocked to find out how many people are suffering one of many forms of this illness. We just lost my favorite star robin williams. Doesn't seem to matter if you are rich or poor. Good looking or ugly. Every year more and more people get added to this horrible disease.
Making this book has been one of the hardest things I have done because you have to go back in time and recall and write down some terrible memories. Your mind is an amazing organ. My mom told me years ago about things that happened between me and my abusive father which I did not remember because it was to painful.
Having depression does not just affect you. It affects everyone around you. I have actually had to stop writing a couple times because I became depressed again.
I have been getting alot of calls from publishers who have seen some of my work and they want a piece of the pie. I am very intelligent and know I can market and sell it myself.
Even though I should be bitter and angry all the time luckily I am a happy giving down to earth person who has many friends. I took alot of the bad experiences I have had and turned them into a positive thing I could use to do alot of things like get a good paying career and raising my son completely different then the way I was raised.
I like to help people. If my book helps only one person all my hard work would be worth it. Everyone needs help sometime in their lives. I believe in karma. If you treat others good only good things will happen to you. Bad people always get unlucky in the end.
I believe the key to avoiding being a street person on drugs because they were all abused is to educate yourself. The more education you have the better job you will get. The more friends you will have. I was set financially by the time I was 25 with a 3 yr old son at home raising him alone. It was costing me $700 a month just to go to work. Luckily I had a very high paying job with excellent benefits and perks. I worked very hard for everything I have. I was putting in 16 hour days five days a week sick or not. I have met so many lazy people living on welfare wasting every day of their lives. I believe you should treat every day like it is your last. I have accomplished so much in the 50 yrs I have been alive. I refuse to let anyone to bring me down anymore. So many people find it hard to get out of bed having depression. I believe you should get up every single day with one or more goals. They could be small or big. It could happen right away or months. It doesn't not matter. When I finally accomplish a goal I go out and buy myself something nice. I am a preferred customer at our local jewelry store. I just had my 50th birthday so I went out and bought myself a diamond ring. You cannot depend on anyone to pat you on your back for doing a good job. It just doesn't happen very often. You have to tell yourself that you are proud of yourself and go do something to make you happy.
I also found out recently that if you have one or more forms of depression or you are an elderly person married for 50 yrs and all of a sudden one dies and you are all alone.  I advise people to get yourself a pet. They are the best therapy you can get. I rescued one of my cats who was an abandoned kitten. You could tell she was a very scared little girl when I brought her home so I went out and bought another one for her. They love each other. Seeing them cuddling together or cleaning each other is just so cute.They make me smile every day. Every time I feel suicidal I think to myself that I will be abandoning them again. They need me as much as I need them.

I cannot believe how many irresponsible pet owners out there. I am currently stuck in a small room at a motel because I cannot find another condo I can afford and that will let me keep my girls. All the idiots out there ruin it for people like me. Every one who comes into my home cannot believe how clean it is.

I have lived here in white rock, BC Canada for over 30 yrs and have never had a problem finding a condo. This used to be just a retirement community with a nice beach and nice parks. Now alot of rich people have moved here and now the rent here is about $2000 a month which most people cannot afford. I make more money then anyone here at my motel but I still cannot afford to give a landlord half of my income for rent. I have had no kitchen or bdrm for a year now but for the first time I have wonderful landlords. This is a pet friendly place. Every person in here wants out but they all have pets which makes it almost impossible to find another place to move to. I have an expensive home office here. I have a really big led tv and about $5000 worth of clothes. The wiring in here is almost dangerous. I am so worried about a fire. I found out I can not insure anything in a motel so if there was a fire I would lose everything.

My ex husband years ago told me he wanted to wait till he retires to travel. One of the times I left him I started travelling alone for three weeks each time every year in my 30's. My parents loved my son so much so they did not have a problem keeping him while I was gone. I had thoughts of being in a wheel chair in my 70's telling myself I wish I had travelled when I was young and healthy. I took myself to the caribbean 9 times for three weeks alone each time. I have so many good memories. I came home looking so rested, happy, relaxed with a nice tan. You can only have a good time travelling alone if you are a very independent person who can easily blend into a group to make it look like you are not alone. I have two friends born and raised in Nassua, Bahamas. I went to see them a few years ago. I had such a good time with them. Whenever I get some free time I go online researching my plans for my retirement. I plan on living in the bahamas for six months a year every year. I am trying to find another woman my age with the same idea to share expenses there. So far I have achieved every goal I had set for myself. I like to plan far in advance. I am also a very good shopper. I always find some nicer and cheaper then everyone else I know.

I miss my job and my friends there. I hate taking 21 pills a day and in therapy for life all because my alcoholic father and ex husband tried their best to kill me with daily mental abuse. I was handling it ok until one day I was in rush hour on my way to work one day when my heart started hurting and I had pain going down my arm. I thought I was having a heart attack and what made it worse was the traffic was so bad I could not get myself to a hospital. I got to work and sat down and started crying. I couldn't stop. My boss sent me home. That was the turning part of my life. I then had to go onto long term disability from work. There was many people way sicker then me who could not qualify for disability benefits. In fact the first time I applied I got denied. I have such a good union. One of the big guys in my union called me up and asked me to come into the office and he was going to help me fill out the application again. I was then approved. I also paid into a special fund to my union every month for 18 years in case I got sick. My job would have paid me for some time but if you are still too sick to return and your benefits run out you then can move over to the union. I am now being supported by my wonderful union. They pay me well and give me full benefits. I know so many people with no benefits. If all of a sudden they desperately need a dentist they have to pay hundreds of dollars for help which they cannot afford.
My son is now 29 and he hates me thanks to being brainwashed my my evil ex. When I die he gets $40,000 immediately and $850 a month for ten years. I bet his dad doesn't have that plan for our son. My ex will go to his grave believing I cheated on him during the 26 yrs off and on that we were together.  There is no proof because it never happened. Criminals get treated better then me. I don't get my day in court. Nobody wants to hear my side of the story which is the truth. My son and I were tight for 20 years. I was a great housewife mother to my ex and my son. That is why my ex asked me back four times. I rejected him the last time so he decided to make my life hell by taking away our son and he put me in jail twice. I also spent hours in the court rooms trying to defend myself. I make too much money for legal aide and not enough to retain a good lawyer so I am using the duty counsellor at the court house. The last time I was in court he got all my charges dropped but now I have a criminal record which  I am trying to have it removed so I can start travelling again. I am going to use my mental illness to my advantage to clear my name.
I have so many things going on in my mind everyday. I have been looking for an affordable home every day. I have also been trying to find a second income as a virtual office assistant helping out a small business who cannot afford to run an office. I also have 8 yrs experience working with elderly. I am also trying to find work as an assistant to an older person doing errands for them and just being their friend. I have also been advertising myself as a computer tech for anyone new with computers. The only problem I have is I do not have a car right now so I can only work locally. All these jobs pay very good money under the table. I have doubled my income since I left work. I am a massage therapist right now charge $80 an hour. I only need to see one person a day. I am very good with number coming from five years in payroll. I now  make around $4000 clear a month working only one hour a day. Just before my mom passed away last year she told me how come you make so much more money then her as a school teacher. I told her I am a member of the best union in canada. We also have the best insurance company paying our benefits. If you add up all the cost of all the medical system you have to use you would be so shocked. A dentist can bankrupt you. I need new glasses soon. All I have to do is pay them $300. I then mail my receipt into my insurance company and they have my bank account information. They deposit the $300 into my account a week later. Now a days it is almost impossible to find a union job with a large company. I landed my permanent job in 89.  Benefits are worth thousands of dollars every year. When our ceo left and the new one came in he went to every department and tried to downsize everyone. Every hated him. He then offered retirement packages or a buy out. They offered me $35,000 to quit. I said no. I knew how valuable my benefits for life were worth. I met one lady a couple years ago that told me she got $90,000. Sounds good hey. Well she found out she bought a leaky condo and had to use most of her money in repairs. She lost her retirement package and all her benefits. She was in her mid 50's. Most people do not hire you at that age and if you do find something you will only be getting $9 an hour working just under full time hours so they don't have to pay you benefits. Most of them treat their employees like crap also.
Since I left work I did three years volunteer work at our local hospital working with the elderly. I then quit and took on three different part time jobs. When I got sick of them I just quit. I already had a good income so I did not have to put up with any abuse bosses like handing out to their employees. I have always been able to make lots of money because I am very intelligent and very attractive. It sucks but it is true that most attractive people get what they want faster and easier then fat ugly people.

Since I was so abused I started going out with friend all the time as soon as I turned 13. My negative life turned into a positive one because I developed very good social skills which is the key to be able to find and keep a good pay job. I was always one of the best workers in every department I worked in and my bosses told me that. They loved me. If I was having a hard day one of them took me into her office and let me cry for half an hour. Once I got it out of system I went back to work. Our headquarters had everything including a medical office with nurses etc. We had a bank, a big cafeteria, a store and a gym. We also had a phone mart so you could pay your bill at work. We also had so many family functions like summer picnics, easter parties for the kids. We had a great christmas party for the family. I could go on for hours telling you all the things the company did for us. It was like a big family. One thing that was cool. Every payday someone would walk around and get a loonie from every employee on our floor. At the end of the day one person won all the money. I came back from lunch one day to find an envelope with $50 in it. We had so many activities you could join for a very low price. I loved my job and had so many friends there. Since I left I have missed them so much. My school friends are all unavailable now so I am alone a lot now. When I am alone I spend most of my time online or watch my big 48 inch led tv. I watch the news a lot. I have made a few friends here at the motel I am staying at right now who all hate it here and all of us are trying to move out. We help each other out a lot. There is a really nice 65 yr old man two units over that is being screwed financially by a trust company only giving him $80 a week so a lot of us help him out. I make coffee in the morning and often take one over to him every morning. I always give more then I get. There is many people who find out you have lots of money and continue to ask you for things. When I am broke just before payday all of a sudden nobody can even give me one smoke. That kind of bothers me so now I only help out people that help me out which is only two people out of 14 units. I try and help out certain people and sometimes I get nothing in return which hurts my feelings. So now I don't help out anymore except two people.
Well I think I am now going to go catch the bus to go uptown to a thrift store to see if I can find anything valuable. The one good thing about all these rich people living here now that the thrift stores always have some very valuable goods for real cheap.
Right now I am working on about four different projects that I think I can finish by February. I am then going to go buy myself a new car. As soon as I pay off about $3000 worth of bills I will be debt free and will qualify to buy a brand new car. I am excited. See my hard work is going to pay off good in the beginning of next year.

I hope you enjoyed this article. I found out I do not have enough articles to produce a book so I am going to start working harder producing more articles to eventually create a book to sell using my pay pal account.
I hope you have a good day and I hope you learned something new today. Thank you. bye for now


Teresa

LIFE AT 50

Hello. For some reason I have been getting alot of calls from publishers wanting to make money off of me for these articles. I am very intelligent so I think I can market it myself eventually.

Out of all the things I have done which is alot this is by far one of the hardest things I have created. I have had to stop several times because all those bad memories had to come out of hiding and relived on paper. It can be very painful. My mother has filled in some holes for me telling me some things I have done and said that I completely forgot.

A couple years ago I went to bed one night leaving my common law boyfriend at the kitchen table visiting with his friend. Apparantely an hour after I went to sleep I got up and got dressed and went out for almost an hour. He didn't follow me because he thought I was awake. This scares me. I will never know what I did or where I went. I am so lucky I didn't get hurt. Another time I was completely straight walking from my condo bdrm to the bathroom and the next thing I remember is waking up on the floor with a bad concusion which lasted three weeks. These are all caused by stress.

There is so many rich and famous people out there like robin williams who has been hiding the fact that they have one of many forms of a mental illness. There is over 130,000 people in BC alone who suffer from a mental illness. I bet this number is alot higher because people don't want to talk about it.

My first symptom was I thought I was having a heart attack in rush hour going to work. I had all the right signs and no way of getting out of traffic to the nearest hospital so I suffered all the way into work. I sat down at my desk and started crying. I couldn't stop so my boss sent me home. I didn't want to go home because that is where the problem was. It was the third and last time I went back to my ex as he requested.

Someone told me recently that they have been following my articles online for about a year and couldn't believe how professional they all were. I was thinking of putting all my time into publishing this site but I don't think I have enough articles to write a a book. It is mainly a journal and many pieces of advise for anyone else suffering in silence. I may not seem to be a serious illness but people are taking their own lives because of it. My son's 29th birthday just went by and I tried committing suicide not once but twice. My friends here wouldn't let me die though. I was disappointed to wake up in the hospital. I have had a very full life and have done so much more then most people I know so no regrets. My son and I were so tight for 20 yr until a few years ago as soon as I broke up with my last boyfriend my ex was all over it asking me back. My jaw hit the ground. He was an abusive alcoholic just like my dad and he wanted me back. I was in shock. I rejected him and he wanted revenge so he told our son lies about me to make him hate me. I have not seen my son for 9 years now which has killed me. I am dead inside. I lost five babies after him.  Then my ex was not done with me. He had me arrested and put in jail not once but twice for uttering threats. I also had to spend hours in court. My son was 17 the last time I left. Instead of asking me nicely for two years of child support he did something I am so against. You do not involve your kids in your domestic problems and he did. He had my son call me from his brothers house up country to tell me dad is taking you to court for child support. I felt like a knife went through my heart.

I have been alone since birth and am very independent now. I have a large birth and adopted family and nobody wants anything to do with me. Nobody will tell me why. Even criminals get their day in court. I don't. My son turned out so handsome, smart, doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. His employers all have loved him and not once has anyone ever told me I did a good job raising him alone. If my ex thought I was so terrible why did he ask me back for the fourth time. I educated myself because both my teacher parents wouldn't give me a dime for college yet they helped their two sons. I now have ten years of college and university. That is what kept me off the street downtown. Then when I was only 25 with a 3 yr old son at home I landed the best job you can get in all of canada. I was set for life. When I finally broke down with severe depression and panic attacks my union was there for me. I have to take 21 pills every day and am in therapy for life because of what both my dad and my ex did to me. One of the first therapist I met told me he was surprised I wasn't downtown putting needles in my arm. I moved to white rock when I was 12 from a very bad area in north surrey. All my new friends were all rich and didn't do hard drugs. I had so much fun with them. They taught me everything my parents wouldn't do. Their parents handed them everything. Mine didn't so if I wanted something nice I had to work hard for it. I now set goals for myself. Small and big. Once I achieve a goal I go out and buy myself something nice.

Recently I became addicted to thrift stores. There is so many rich women with closets bigger then our houses who threw out some very expensive clothes. I can tell by touching the material and looking at labels that I just found something very expensive for only $5. I now have a $5000 closet full of very nice clothes. I am a very good shopper. Everytime something new comes out I patiently wait about a year until something else new comes out then I buy and pay hundreds of dollars less then my friends did. Everyone has always thought I was rich but I am not. Everybody ran out and bought a new lcd tv as soon as they came out. Well I had my eye on one 42 inch toshiba for $500. Once I had the money it was gone. Then all of a sudden these new led tv's came out with ten times better better picture. Well I did some research and finally found one on sale for $500 and it is a 48 inch which I didn't think I could afford.

My dad had 8 brothers and two sisters. All the men turned into alcoholics like their doctor father including my dad. I got an ulcer by the time I was 12 so I couldn't drink so I smoked pot. It helps me eat and sleep and is almost legal now. Over the years I tried the odd hard drug but quickly quick when I found out the ingredients of the substance I was using. Once I realized I was addicted it scared me so I quit. My last boyfriend was so handsome and charming but he didn't have a job or own anything. I took him in and turned into his mother. I kicked him out three times.  He introduced me to crack cocaine. For the first time I was happy and talkative so I immediately became addicted to it. I have been doing it for about three years now and have lost most of my possessions. I am finally realizing it is ruining me financially so I am now trying to quit. I will never give up weed though. Crack takes your appetite away and keeps you awake forever. Now and again I quit and just smoke pot which make my figure look better because I start eating more and it relaxes me and gives me a good sleep. I like it so much that I am now looking for a detox centre to go to during the day so that I can be with my cats at night. They have no idea that they have helped me out more then the other way around. I have two of them. One is a rescue cat who was abandoned. I just put a ad online looking for a pure black short haired female locally. Some lady called me and said someone in her apartment building moved out and left the kitten behind. I have no idea how long she was left alone but you can tell she had a tough beginning by demanding so much of my attention. So I went out and paid $40 for a white kitten for her. They love each other so much. When I am having a bad day they always cheer me up. I then figured out that anyone suffering from depression or you are a senior on your own having a pet is the best therapy you can get.  I am now having another problem. I gave notice at my last place and spent every day for a whole month trying to find another home I could afford and would allow pets. I couldn't find a home at the end of the month so now I am living in a tiny motel that is pet friendly paying $700 plus utilities. Rent and food have gone up so much even though I have a good income I am struggling. I have lived in this town for 30 yrs and have never had this problem. They want $2000 a month now for a one bdrm condo everywhere and they all say no smoking and no pets.

I have been a landlord and have had every kind of living condition there is and now I will only live in a condo alone with my girls. I must admit I have lived in some places who had many very irresponsible pet owners. I am a very clean and organized person. My landlord now told me recently she wished everyone was as clean as I am. I have no kitchen or bdrm for the first time. I also had all my stuff in storage and lost it all because the bill got so high I couldn't pay it. Everything is gone. One good thing though. My landlord bought a top of the line bed for a new tenant a few months ago. she didn't like it here so she moved out. I asked him for the bed. It is the nicest bed I have ever owned. It is probably worth a couple grand. I got it for $300. So all I own now is a nice bed, awesome tv and my clothes. I have to start all over again. I hit rock bottom because of the crack and now I am trying to climb back up.

Since I left work I did three years volunteer work at our local hospital working with the elderly which gives me 8 yrs experience working with them. I have had a few part time jobs which I quit after about three months. Now I do massage therapy in my home for $80 an hour. If I only see one person a day that brings my income up to around $4000 a month. I make more money then anybody living here.

I cannot believe how many people I have met younger and older then me on welfare always complaining and begging because they are not educated. I was trying to tell one lazy guy that there is alot of government funded programs out there that have employers looking for the top students to hire so that you don't even have to go out and look for work when your course is finished. He just looked at me like I was talking in a different language.

I have two older brothers. The youngest one is so talented. He was in a rock band for years and he was an awesome artist but had no ambition to use his gifts to have a good life. All the women in his life had to support him. His only job for a few years was delivering pizzas. He could be making such good money with full benefits but he doesn't care. My oldest brother who I was closer with has epilepsy. He is very sick. Well he got himself into the construction union making over $30 an hour with full benefits. My dad used to physically abuse him which scared the hell out of me as a sick little girl. Dad would throw things at us which could have killed us. He stopped talking to my parents for about 20 yrs before my moms death last year. Before they stopped talking my mom made it quite obvious that he was her favorite. She promised me a beautiful saphire and diamond ring because it was my birth stone. Well one day she gave it to him for him to give to his girlfriend as an wedding ring. That really hurt my feelings.

I was the youngest and had their first grandson who they adored. That was the only time my mom and dad helped me out if it had something to do with my son. I took myself to the caribbean for three weeks alone during my whole 30's. My mom had no problem keeping him while I was gone. I have so many good memories. So many people at work travelled alot so I got the bug.

I actually don't know anyone who has a high education like me or has been with a great company for 26 years while raising my son alone. Nobody has travelled as much as I have either.

I spent the first five years of my life ignored in foster care because nobody wanted me. Now I learn that those five years are the most important years of a persons life.

When you suffer from depression you have to keep yourself busy. I am always working on something. I have been researching about how to take my dad to supreme court asking for $50,000 called a financial hardship award or ten years of lost potential income because of all his mental abuse. Our court system sucks here unless you are rich. I found out if I was physically abused I would have a case but it is very hard to prove mental abuse which doesn't heal. I have my brother as a witness and my therapist to back me up. Since I realized I have very good writing skills I am positive I can produce an awesome impact statement to give the judge. I also found an article one day that said it is a criminal offense to abuse a disabled child which I was. I plan on asking the judge if this is true and can I charge him. I have to print out a whole bunch of forms to hand into the courts to start this case against my dad. This might all take years but I don't care. I have to first print out a form to ask the judge to waive my court fees. They need me to bring in this form in person with the original signature. Once the judge approves it I can then start to apply to the highest court to begin my case. once my dad is served the papers to appear in court off I go. I am so excited.

As soon as I turned 16 I quit school, got a very good paying job and a car and moved in with my first love. My mom was horrified. I told her if she wants to live like this go for it but I cannot do it anymore. My boyfriend had tatoos and a harley. Looked like a biker but he treated me so good. We kept in touch for 30 years off and on.

I have been single now for about four years on purpose. I had no positive male role models growing up and men were always chasing me because they all thought I was good looking and always had a nice figure. I was a gymnist for 8 yrs and was always active. Men don't want to date me. They just want sex from me which has made me loose a lot of respect for them. I also seem to attract alcoholics for some reason. Now I have a mental note in my head of exactly what I need in a man. This time I want it to be forever. I am willing to wait for this man out there somewhere. I am losing hope though because I just turned 50. I got hit on at work all the time and their was a zero tolerance for that at work. I know some men who got reported and lost their jobs. What do they say to their wife not working and staying home with the kids. Also now they cannot use my company as a reference so how are they going to say what they were doing for the last 20 years just because they wanted to cheat on their wives. I know many women who got the house, car, kids and their husbands wages garnisheed. They lost everything. My ex will go to his grave telling everyone I cheated on him off and on for 26 years..That is what my son believes. There is no proof because it never happened. I was a great housewife mother. I was so lonely. He never showed any affection towards me. Sex was over in five minutes with no cuddling after. So I left him. He then realized how good he had it and kept asking me to come back. Like an idiot I did. If I just had said no so many years ago I probably wouldn't be so sick now. I firmly believed a family should try and stay together. I did not want my son to be an only child but I had so many medical problems that I lost five babies which really hurt.

My son will never know what his grandparents were really like before he was born. He totally believes all the lies his dad has said about me. Any woman who went through what I did would want to kill the guy but I never could. The child support I got didn't even cover the daycare cost each month. It was costing me $700 a month to go to work. Luckily I was home on weekends and holidays with good pay and great benefits. Nobody seemed to think about their life time benefits when they were in their 20's. My first job was working with the elderly. They liked to talk and they taught me what to do and not to do. I have always been able to soak up information I was told and use it to my benefit. Most people don't have that ability.

A few years ago we got a new ceo at work. Everybody hated him. One of the first things he did was form a comittee to go to each and every department and downsize the office. The offered me $35,000 to quit. I didn't take it. One lady got $90,000. Then she found out she just bought a leaky condo which took almost all of her money in repairs. This was about ten years ago. She was getting to old to get hired anywhere. She lost her retirement package, benefits etc. Today people are only getting $9 an hour and have to work just under the hours required so they don't have to give them benefits. I did five years in payroll so I am good with numbers. My $35,000 would have been long gone by now. All my medical costs are free now. I can now work from home to double my income. I have had medical problems my whole life born into this world by a drug addicted 15 yr old girl who left me behind. She had another girl after me who is retarded and she kept her. She had five kids with four different fathers. Everyone knows who their fathers are except me. She hated me. I met her once. She mad it clear that she did not want to see me again. Then a week later I found out she reported me to my work because I used her home number to get her address and just showed up at her door one day after work. Luckily I was very close to my boss. She took me down to security before work one day. I was told she reported me and was trying to get me fired from my job and get a criminal record. Well I started crying so hard that the lady felt so bad that she dropped everything and told me just to leave her alone. My boss had her arm around me the whole time. She knew my life story. She treated me better then my own family did. I miss work and my friends there.

Well I think I have said enough for today. I will probably do a few more articles then work on publishing this blog. I want to turn it into an ebook and get paid through my paypal account. If I can help just one person all this pain and hard work will be worth it. Bye for now.

Tere