Who said time heals all wounds?

Who the heck said time heals all wounds. Time just creates new ones every single day. I am 48 yrs old now and the abuse, rejection and pain given to me by my whole family including my ex and my son just gets worse every single year. I have a had a really good therapist for over ten years now and I do not feel any better. In fact today when I go see him he wants to eliminate one of my six meds  to add a new one which is supposed to help eliminate suicidal thoughts.

I had two friends for over 30 yrs who I could always count on who turned on me a year ago. I have an anger management problem I have hidden from my son and work for so many years, I sent an email to my ex best friends telling them what I wanted to do to my ex which they should have known was just my anger, I have never hurt anyone but they all have hurt me my  whole life. Well they send this note to my ex who immediately ran to the police and had me arrested twice for uttering threats which is a possible two year jail sentence. This happened shortly after he found out I broke up with my boyfriend and he wanted me back. I could not believe after all the pain he has caused me that he would have the nerve to ask me back. Well I rejected him and he was bitter about it so the first chance he had for revenge he took it. Well as horrible as jail and court was I am much more intelligent then they are. I taught myself how to represent myself in court. With some help from my therapist the case was dropped with one year probation which is finished.

In every relationship I have been in I was the one to end it and every single time they realized what they lost and asked me to come back to them. Like an idiot I did. I have to blame myself because eventually all this drama started to make my physically sick. I was in rush hour and started having chest pains which went down my arm. I thought I was having a heart attack and as I looked around in traffic there was no way of escaping to get to a hospital which freaked me out even more. After seeing a doctor I found out I was now having panic attacks. Then when I got to work I would sit down at my desk and start crying and couldn't stop That is when the severe depression started many years ago now. Even though mental illness is not fatal it is still never going to go away or get better. This is not what I wanted my years close to retirement to be like. I feel like a caged bear. I cannot work anymore. I have to take six pills three times a day and in therapy once a month. There doesn't seem to be any end to this life. Mental illness is not fatal but it is still a terrible thing to have. I am not getting better. I think I am getting worse. I am having a problem making my disability incomen last all month so I started shoplifting. I did it so many times and finally got caught twice in one week and now have a criminal record and probably will never be able to take another caribbean vacation ever. I am sure glad I did alot of travelling in my 30's because any future travelling does not look good.

The internet is awesome. I have been doing alot of research into our court systems, what kind of lawyer we have and what they can do. Basically if you are a criminal you get a free lawyer and free counselling and a short stay in jail and you are out. When you are a victim the system pretends to have help for us but unless you are very rich to afford a good lawyer you are shit out of luck. I am trying to figure out how I can get my criminal record removed. There is a process which is not free and there is no guarantees it will help you. I found if you get lucky enough to have your record suspended apparantly it doesn't really go away. I could be headed to a caribbean vacation with a short stop in the US with the possibility of customs turning me away and sending me back home. I also found out after every you have to do and pay for it apparantely is only good for a couple years. How fucked is this justice system.

What makes me so mad is it is a criminal offense to drive drunk but every alcoholic I have met is not worried because there is tons of scum bag lawyers who can easily get you off. If you do not get off an impaired charge you do not get a criminal record. This makes me so mad. You can even be impaired and kill someone and be out of jail in three years to continue your life as normal while the families or victims who have lost a loved one is in pain for the rest of their lives. We even have police with drug and alcohol problems that if they ever get busted or hurt someone they never go to jail.

So that is it. If you are a criminal you get more help then a victim does. I also found out by asking the policen  about charging my dad for 40 yrs of mental abuse that I was shit out of luck unless he physically abused me. I apparantely make too much for legal aide and not enough to retain a good lawyer. I did manage to find a pro bono lawyer who only gets paid at the end if I win. Mental abuse is very hard to prove. I need to see this lawyer. Then I need to create a good impact statement and with some help from my excellent therapist to back me up I might be able to charge him for $50,000 I want for what is called a financial hardship award or ten years of potential income I lost due to the pain he caused me.

I am really into the psychology today magazine which has excellent stories to help you understand what you are feeling. I have been really into the mind body connection after my mom told me some stories about my childhood which I did not remember at all. If something is to tramatic like a bad car accident you mind has a way of making you forget parts of the event. A couple years ago when I was living with my boyfriend I went to be and left him with a friend talking at the kitchen table. Well an hour later I got up and went out. He did not follow me because he thought I was awake. I was not awake. I went missing for an hour and will never know where I went or what I did. I could have been hurt. This really scares me. This is what too much stress can do to you. Recently I just moved into this apartment and one day I was walking from the bdrm to the bathroom then woke up on the floor with a concusion which lasted three weeks.

A few months ago I was at some guys place and he gave me a very small line to snort of herion. Well the next thing I know I am waking up in the emergency room at 3am. I overdosed and almost died. I was actually disappointed that I woke up even though I was not trying to committ suicide. I left the hospital and went home and pucked my guts out for a couple hours. I have been addicted to several different drugs since I was 13 to kill the pain. I was only on them a short time and quit each one cold turkey. The only drug I do like which will probably be legal soon is pot. It increases my appetite and helps me relax and sleep well.

In the last couple years I cannot believe how many people are addicted to pot, cocaine and all sorts of pills. it is not just homeless junkies doing all these drugs. It is cops, lawyers, musicians, business men etc. I can not believe how many people are addicted to something. I didn't find out until a year ago about how son many people are addicted to certain very additive pills. People have told me that if they didn't know me they would never have guessed that I also have an addiction to crack. It makes me happy and very talkative. These addictions are very hard to get off of because they work so well at killing the emotional pain you are going through.

There is two billion dollar businesses that the police will never be able to stop. That is porn and drugs because there is such a demand for it from people in all walks of life. You would be shocked to find out certain people who are highly educated and have a good career and are addicted to something. They do a good job at hiding it. 20 yrs ago one of the first therapist I saw and told them about my childhood up to then told me he was surprised I wasn't downtown putting needles in my arm. I will never forget that meeting.

I quit school as soon as I turned 16 so that I could get a job and a car and move in with my boyfriend who treated me so good. My mom was horrified. I told her if you want to live like this go for it but I cannot handle it anymore so I ran away as soon as I could. I stayed at my job for five years working with the elderly who taught me alot. I was always a curious person so I started taking part time college and universith courses as I could afford it because my school teacher parents wouldn't help me out at all. I went to school part time for many years. I had excellent social skills because I made alot of friends growing up because I went out as much as I could to get away from the anger and violence. I was also very independent not by choice. I was neglected from birth so I do not mind being alone. So my social skills and independence actually really helped me in my adult like working and becoming a very good employee. Men have always found me very attractive and since I was always athletic I always had a good figure. Men have been hitting on me my whole life married or not. I had no positive male role models growing up so I do not respect most men. That is why I am single now. Then when they get to know me they are all shocked to find out how intelligent I am.

I have 8 yrs experience working with the elderly by living in this retirement community. They like to talk. They taught me alot about life. Good and bad.

I left that job after five years to settle down with an abusive alcoholic which I didn't know about at first. We had a house and big yard. I got pregnant and had a wonderful healthy boy at age 22, I stayed home for a few years with him and because I was so independent living off of my husband did not make me happy.

I got one of the best jobs in canada by the time I was 25. As soon as I started I grabbed my 11  month old son and moved out. I found out I did exactly what all the self help books said I would do. Be attracted to another abusive alcoholic. I just didn't realize that and alcoholic can be clean for five years then all of a sudden it only takes one drink and the devil comes out. I left him three times. I am kicking myself now but I believe a family should try and stay together but it cost me my health. I was always the one who walked away and they always kept asking me back because I was a good catch. I kept a clean house and was a good cook and a good mother. I was set for life by the time I was 25 and my son was 3 yrs old. I started putting in 16 hour days and had one hour to myself after I got my son to bed. I did not drink or do drugs while I was raising him. I work hard and play hard. He used to go to his dads place every second weekend. That is when I would party with my friends. I took my job and my raising my son well seriously.

My son and I were tight for 20 yrs then all of a sudden right after I left my ex for the third and last time my ex was so bitter and crossed the line big time. I firmly believe you should not involve your kids in your domestic problems. I never talked about my ex around my son but my ex did. I will never forget the day he had taken him up country to his brothers place with our son for a vacation. He had our son call me and tell me dad is taking me to court for child support. My ex crossed the line big time. That is when my depression started. I then had to go to court spending many hours attending six times just over child support. He could have asked me in private without court and I would have paid him. Our son was 17. Support ends when he turns 19. My anger management problems started to come out after spending so much time in court. Near the end they got worried that I would lose it that they put a cop inbetween us in court the last two times. They were afraid I would hurt him.

My son lived with my ex when I left for the last time when he was 17. I was worried he would turn out like his dad even though I was a good mom raising him alone for years. Well I have not seen my son for six years now. He is not just ignoring me he hates me which kills me. I have been on suicide watch for a few years. About three years after he stopped talking to me someone introduced me to crack cocaine and I immediately got addicted because it really helped kill the pain I was feeling. Losing my son was the worst thing that has happened to me and my life has been health right from my unwanted birth.

For some unknown reason my ex has been accusing me of cheating on him everytime I came back to him through 26 yrs time. He had no proof because it never happened. I don't cheat on anyone. I hate being hit on by married men and I firmly believe in staying faithful common law or married. Doesn't matter. After a few years of being constantly accused of something you have not done can make you very bitter. Well he convinced our son that I was unfaithful the whole time we were together. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes but when you are constantly accused of something you have not done it can make you very angry. That is why I left him three times. I am now kicking myself for going back the first time. He had serious social skills problems and had six impaired charges. I was the only woman in his whole life that would put up with his crap. He was trying to change me and so was I. That does not work I found out. He treated me more like his room mate not showing me any affection ever. I was married and so lonely.

So this article basically explains my whole life and cause of my mental illness today that I will probably never get over it. I have been single for three years now because I seem to attract losers. I am always being hit on but I am keeping all men away. I have now made a mental list of the trates a new boyfriend has to have and I will not settle for less this time. I am almost 50 and my life would have had some people committ suicide already.

I have met several senior bitter lonely women who had horrible divorces. They die alone hating all men for years. I do not want to spend the last 20 years of my life like them lonely and bitter. Most of them are closet alcoholics also.

Most people who have lived a life like mine would hate all men right to their death. I am kind of bitter but still have some faith that there might be the right man out there for me somewhere. I am trying to be positive even though it is not easy.

I find this very hard writing about my life because I just want to forget about it and writing just brings you back to your past and reliving all the pain.

I hope someone reading this with a similar life can maybe learn something from this article and not make the same mistakes I did. I should have never went back to my ex after I left the first time. I could have avoided so much hell. Take care of your mental health because it eventually affects your physical life.