I have been so busy trying to manage my life I have not written a post in a long time. Sometimes I have to avoid it because writing down your painful thoughts is hard. I got evicted from my last three condos because of so called friends who got me into trouble with my landlords. They all do not know where I am now.
I have lived in white rock Canada for over 30 years. I have been homeless twice now because suddenly it has gotten very expensive to rent a one bdrm condo here. It is now half of my income. I am now facing another lonely christmas stuck in a small motel. I hated it at first but recently I decorated it to make it feel more comfortable. My new landlords are the best people I have met in many years. I have made new friends here although three of us women have been abused by two unemployed jerks who think thet own the place. We finally got together and told the landlords. They finally talked to these assholes and now I hope they will stop abusing us. I have been here two months now and have been constantly looking for an affordable condo here for me and my girls. No luck so far. Looks like I have to move out of this town I love so much. I don't want to leave but now I have a car again so I figure I will be living about a ten minute drive away in a place called newton. There is alot if east indians there which I don't like but I will probably be in a high rise. East indians live together in huge houses so I should be ok. This is harder then I imagined trying to find somewhere to call home. I am in so much emotional pain which makes simple chores hard. I wake up every single day missing my son and mother. My asshole father didn't let me say goodbye to my mom and I was in her will but nobody will talk to me. I was trying to get a lawyer to sue my dad in supreme court for $50,000 called a financial hardship award. I had to stop working on this because I had so many other problems to deal with. My 49 years has never been easy. I miss my son so much. I have to keep busy to distract me from the intense emotiuonal pain and the anger I feel towards his dad who took my son away from me seven years ago. Yeasterday I was in and out of bed crying all day.I was not wanted from birth and have been facing rejection from both my birth and adopted family. I have no idea why nobody loves me. I am a good person. I have nobody except my two cats who love me more then my whole large families. I have been suicidal for years.
I have been abused since my unwanted birth. I can't even remember how many times I have been kicked down but I always get up stronger. One of the first therapists I saw said something I will never forget. He was surprised I was't downtown putting needles in my arm. None of them are educated so they don' have the power to better their their lives. Both of my parents were teachers and would not give a dime for college. I quit school at 16. Got a very good paying job, a car and moved in with first love who treated me so good. We are friends for life. When I was ready I went back to school and got my grade 12 then proceeded to take part time college courses as I could afford it. I spent ten years educating myself while my parents helped out their two sons.I have been bitter and angry my whole life trying to hide my anger management problem at work and around my son. I ended up with an ulcer and started abusing drugs at age 13. I tried to go out with friends all the time to escape all the violence and mental abuse. On the positive side I developed good social skills and was a very independant person which both traits have helped me alot through my whole adult life. Even with my horrible abuse all my life I had so many good times and was highly educated it helped me cope big time.
For every negative thing that happens to usually something positive comes your way. For every door that closes another one opens. I believe evil people will eventually lose big time and good people will be rewarded at some point in your life. karma.
When people meet me for the first only intending to stay for maybe an hour usually end up stay half the night listening to my stories. People cannot beleive how inteligent and fun I am. Education is the key. I was a single mom in 87 when I found out abought a government program only for single moms on social assistace which I only used for a year. It was a private two year business course. Once I graduated I was after large well paying careers. Telus hired me in april 89. I was being watched every day until after 11 months I got a permanent job. I was finally set for life. I am now on long term disability suffering from severe depression and panic attacks. I do alot of resear into the mind body connection. Our brains are amazing. when the stress gets too bad you start getting physically sick and cannot work while being heavily medicated and in therapy for life.
I think I have the best job compared to everyone I know with 24 yrs service and a proud member of the telecommunication workers union who takes good care of me. When I pass away Telus will give my son a check for $47,000 and a monthly check for ten years. I bet my ex can't match that. If my son just didn't want to see me that would be one problem but because my ex wanted me back for the fourth time and I rejected him he made sure my son hated me. We were so tight for a long 20 years. Something died inside if me 7 yrs ago.There is so many mean things you can do in domestic problems but you have crossed the line taking a child away from their mom. I was told when I was 18 due to medical probles that I could never have children. I did try some meds for about six months then all of a sudden I got pregnant with my gift from god. I did not want my son to be an only child. Over many years I lost five babies. That was hard to take. One of them did not leave naturarily so I had to one more surgery to remove it. Thanks to my birth mom doing drugs while pregnant with me I have had medical problems all my life including about 20 surgeries removing cycsts. I was mentaly and physically disabled when I was finally adopted at age five. Had my first birthday party on my 5th. My new mom specialized in needy children She told me once she almost sent me back to foster care after six months because I was not adjusting well.
In my legal research I found an article that said it is a criminal offense to abuse a disabled child which happened to me. I cannot wait to be infront of a supreme court judge and I am going to ask him if this is true. I am after blood. I want financial compensation and possible jail time.
Again in my research you have a better chance of winning a case if you were physically abused. Our laws do not take mental abuse and neglect serious yet. Outside wound heal but mental abuse never goes away until you want to committ suicide which I have wanted to do many times. A year ago I was smoking crack with guy when he asked me to snort threetiny lines of herion. Two did nothing. After the third I ended up waking up in the hospital at 3am. They told me I almost died. I was disappointed I woke up. I have never touched it since. I like to smoke pot which will eventually be legal because it takes away my tension and helps me sleep. It also helps my appetite. When I am under too much stress I cannot eat. I screwed up big time. I left him three times. As soon as I moved back in I started to get sick. After three more years of abuse I moved to my own place up the road and had my son over for dinner once a week. He is 27 now and is handsome, smart, doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. Nobody ever said I did a good job but you just have to spend some time with him to see why I am proud of him and myself.People tell me he will come back but all I can think about is my epileptic brother kicking my dad in the head when he was big. he stopped talking to my parents for 20 years. He did see mom once just before she died. I have no idea what month or day she left us. There was no funeral or grave site for me to visit. I may never see my son again. I believe everyone should hear both sides of a story before coming to a conclusion. I did nothing wrong and I will never be able to defend myself. Life has been so hard to me. I did take myself to the caribbean six years in a row for three weeks alone each time. It was just as educational as college meeting people from all over the world. I have so many good memories and do not know one person who has done so much with my life. One trip to Jamaica on the second day I met a gorgeous man fom new york. It was better then any romance novel. I was in love. We liked each other s much that we could't say goodbye so I asked him to go when I was asleep. I gave him my number but I did not want his because I know I would have called him. If he called and came hee it was meant to be. He did call three times. He asked me if he could come stay with me. I said yes. He was supposed to call again but neve did so it was not meant to be. Men have always found me attractive with an awesome figure. Years later I fell in love with another handsome man online from Atlanta Georgia. He sent me an airline ticked to spend a week with him. The only problem was he was a single dad with two small girls who had a problem sharing my attention with him. I don't date guys with kids at home. Anyways one night he told me he had slept with all the married women in his cultasac while their husbands wee away then acted like their friends. What a slim. I went outside and cried. I knew then he was someone you could not trust. Before I left he told me to call as soon as I got home so I did. He wouldn't talk to me for a month. My heart was broken one more time. Suddenly he calls and tells me he liked me so much and was concerned about the distance. more bullshit. never heard from him again. I hated men and did not date for a year. I have been hiding from men sice I kicked out my last boyfriend over three years ago. Just like all the self help books
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