Hello. It is now very close to christmas which I am not celebrating because I have nobody to spend it with. I miss my son so much. The pain is so high. I have never been so hurt that nobody will give me the time of day for something I never did. I am depressed and angry at the same time.
This is not what I am writing about today. I have recently been in trouble with the law for shoplifting when I had no money for shopping. I have been in jail several times and now there is a warrant out for my arrest because I breached my conditions by going to our mall which I was told not to go to. I am so scared. I dont want to go back to jail in my medical condition. I spend hours last night searching for a defense lawyer who deals with people having a mental illness.
In my research I found out there is thousands of people with a mental illness getting into trouble with the law. Most are not educated and do not know how to defend themselves and our legal system crushes them. I am highly educated and have a fighting chance to beat these legal problems I have right now. Also those uneducated people qualify for legal aide. I do not. I make too much money for free legal help and not enough to retain a good defense lawyer. I am also supposed to report to the probation office once a month. I know as soon as I attend they will call the police to come get me so I am avoiding them till the new year. I also received a letter of application to change one of my conditions which is to be able to attend our only mall. As soon as my probation is over I am then going to apply to the parole board for a clemency or suspension which will erase my record in order to be able to travel again. This is free. I am going to use my illness to my advantage to defend myself. I hope it works. If I applied for a pardon or waivor they are about $800 each and there is no guarantee.
I have been planning my retirement in about five years to spend six months a year every year to share a condo with another woman my age living part time in the Bahamas. I have a couple friends there who will help me find a condo.
Not like most people I have been planning my whole life including my retirement and possible illness since I was 25. Nobody wants to talk about retirement for some reason. It seems the older we get the faster time flies. I am going to die with a big grin on my face living in paradise. My first job was working with the elderly. I have 8 years experience. They taught me alot. I paid attention regarding what happens if you do not prepare for the last 20 yrs of your life. I could be gone tomorrow so I treat every day like it is my last. I learned so many mistakes people made and what the outcome was. I took all the good information to use in my retirement. I met some elderly people in their 80s and 90s who live somewhere hot six months a year for their retirement. They are all alert and happy now. If I play my cards right I can live that dream also.
I learned alot about depression. One thing I learned is to get up each day with many projects to work on to keep myself sane. Everytime I reach a goal big or small I reward myself with some jewelry or something. My childhood was no negative and my parents never once said they were proud of me. Nobody has. So I have to pat myself on the back.
Since I cannot work anymore which I miss so much I am now working from home cash jobs which has doubled my income. My company still employees me and my union takes good care of me with full benefits for life. It is impossible to get into a union now.
I see so many people around me living on welfare who can easily take a pill and go to work. They are lazy living off the system which my taxes pay for. I hate lazy stupid people. I was always a hard worker and worked with many lazy employees which drove me nuts. If they did not do their job we had to do it for them. There is now so many government programs or cheap programs to take to aquire a good paying job but they look at me like I am speaking french. They like to constantly complain that they have nothing. Nobody is going to come to your house to give you a job. There is so many lazy freeloaders around me which drives me nuts. When I get paid they are all over me. If I ask them for anything they always say no so I am getting wise and refuse to do anything for them. I have some very nice things in my home and am proud of myself. They have nothing wishing they had what I had but are not willing to work for it. I used to feel sorry for them but now I dont. I grew up with alot of wealthy people who had parents who handed them everything they wanted. I wanted nice things too but nobody would ever help me out. I became very independant and worked very hard for anything I wanted to buy. I am an excellent shopper also. I have many expensive items which I found dirt cheap. I am proud of myself for buying something really nice paying half of what others paid for the same thing. I even bought nicer things they purchased. I have about $5000 worth of clothing because I hit the thrift stores around very wealthy people which meant they were giving away very expensive clothing. I know my designer names and just the feel of the clothing knowing it was originally very expensive. I hooked up the best sound system to my computer which shocks some people. I have always liked the best of everything. I am very good at making money. I could wake up with a dollar then have $80 by noon. I just spent my whole check to my landlord and had nothing left over so I am relying on my second income for food and smokes and cat stuff.
I have owned a computer as soon as they came out. It took me a few years to be able to use it well and fix it on my own. Everybody who has a computer always has problems with their systems at some point and cannot fix it. It is very expensive to fix also. I taught myself to fix anything on my own. The first few times it took me days. Now it only takes me a couple hours. I could easily teach new users charging $100 an hour. I do not have a car right now so I can only do it locally. I desperately need to get rid of my debts of $3000 to be able to open up more doors. Every time I plan on making a payment something happens which stops me from my goal. I had planned on buying a new car but need to pay $1500 to my trustee to get a discharge. Once I get this discharge I can easily purchase a brand new car. I am staying in good shape walking alot for about a year now.
Back to our bc court systems which are helping criminals more then victims. They get free legal assistance. Free lodging and food and can educate themselves in jail. I found out if I was physically abused as a child the police would help me but since I was mentally abused they wont help me. This condition has not been taken seriously for so many years. I might not have a heart condition or ms but I do have an illness which suicide is being done all the time. It does kill and nobody in our legal systems seems to understand we need extra help. I just recently found out that there is so many mentally ill people taking illegal drugs and have been in jail and court for many years. Most do not realize what they are doing at the time the crime was made. one therapist told me he was surprised I wasnt downtown putting needles in my arm. All those homeless people have no education and are constantly thrown in jail with no assistance from anyone. I am highly educated which I paid for which provided me with a good life.
I might have repeated myself in one of the 36 articles I have in my blog. I have been getting so many calls from publishers who want hundreds from me to publish my book. I am intelligent enough to write and convert it into an ebook to sell online using a money transfer or paypal. Some things take me a long time to figure out like this one but I am completely confident to say I will produce a great book to sell very soon. My intention is to educated people about how serious having a mental illness is. If I can save one life with this book it will be worth all the hard work.
Your brain is an amazing organ. It hides information often when things are too stressful to you which makes you completely do not remember an event. I learned this from my mom. She told me alot of stories of my childhood which I did not remember. Then when you write a book about it you have to relive many events you tried so hard to forget. I had to stop several times because it was upsetting me too much.
Be strong and independant and always educate yourself daily. It opens up alot of doors for you. I believe for every door that closes another one opens. The more you understand things the better you can handle anything life throws at you. Anyways I hope you like my articles. I was going to stop but realized it would be a very small book so I am trying to make it larger to look like a book not a magazine. Take care of yourself and find someone to hug every day. Bye for now
Tere
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