I just remind myself that I am not alone completely. There is thousands of people spending the holidays alone. Since I reformatted my computer twice this year which is making me smarter. If I am not out running around town I am on my computer doing so many things like banking, paying bills, keeping up with three email addresses. I then keep working on my book. I found out how to create my book when I realized I only have 35 articles and I think I need more for a small book. I will now carry on during the holidays and release it in the new year.
Men having been hitting on me my whole life. It was flattering years ago but eventually it starts getting annoying knowing they all just want sex. I have had alot of medical problems growing up including having five miscarriages. That hurt. I did not want my son to be an only child and I also really wanted a little girl but things didn't work out for me. I have alot to complain about but sometimes you listen to others which makes your life is so much better and I feel lucky.
I have also been so busy trying to find another condo here in my home town that I can afford and also most of them says no pets. This is the first time in 30 yrs that I could not afford to move so now I have a studio room at the beach in white rock at cedar lane motel. I hate almost everyone one in here allow I have the best landlords I have had in years. Everybody is about the same age but most of them are on welfare or disability barely getting by. They are all over me when I get paid. Most of them have made it clear that they want to see me naked but I will not have anything with anybody in here. One of them bugging me right infront of my landlord and I told him if I did do something with him the whole block would know the next day. He agreed. I like him but I do not trust him. I only like one guy who is 65 now. He is nice and mellow and doesn't talk about other people all the time. I think he is too mellow and try to get him out but when he moved here from ontario he didn't explore BC. Most people my age have not experience what I did for ten years in a row hanging out at tropical islands alone for thee weeks each way. My son's father wanted to wait until he retires. All I could think was being in a wheelchair at age 70 with a tube of oxogin on me all the time. I have had many health problems since birth so I could not wait so I started travelling when I was 28. I worked with many well off interesting people at the headquarters which housed about 3500 people all day. I have so many good memories hanging out with my friends at work. I spent most of my life at work so they were my family. When I started working from home I miss them remembering all the good times. Even if I went back right now I know most of them have quit, retired, took the buyout or moved. My best friend at work met some guy online from Kansas in the USA. She made me look like a saint and she marries a guys who is so clean so far away from here. I couldn't leave my good job for anyone anywhere. I fell for a guy also many years ago in Atlanta, Georgia. I met him online. He was so handsome and successful but a single parent to two annoying little girls which got in the way. Then I found out he has a bad record of too many bitter and short relationships which tells me if I moved there chances are high that we wouldn't make it. He sent me an airline ticked for one week there. He looked like clint black. Then I find out he is sleeping with all his neighbors wives when the guys are out of town. He obviously has relationship problems and not a good investment. He asked me to call him as soon as I got home so I did for weeks just to be ignored. I was so mad that I hated all men and didn't go out on any dates for a years then all of a sudden he finds me again and asks me to come for a month. I was excited and flattered at first but I find I cannot forgive people so easily anymore. Men lie to me all the time. I have never found one I could count on completely. When I am settled down I take of my family with nice healthy meals and a clean house always. I mainly raised our son myself and I know nobody would ever give me a pat on the back for a great job. That is ok the proof is in the pudding. He is a good hard working social and handsome young man because I made him like that. I know I made many mistakes but I know many people who were not good parents.
My son will never understand that he was the first grandchild who my parents loved so much that they turned into two very nice people. They were not like that raising me and my brothers. Also most people do not want to understand how serious depression is. When I lost him 9 yrs ago something died inside of me. I feel exactly like those women on tv talk shows talking about losing their children. You are a victim for life with little help from anyone in our government along with our shitty court services. The cops don't even want to talk to me unless I was physically abused. I was a small sick little girl having to witness my drunk father beating up my epileptic brother which scared me.
I do alot of research and one day I found an article that said it is a criminal offense to abuse a disabled child. I cannot wait to ask the judge if this article is true and if it is can I charge him. I have many years against me but I am still going to try to take him to court this year sometime. I just need to get another printer. I am also busy trying to pay off a $3000 bill as soon as possible so that I can buy another car and move out of this dump.
I left my storage bill got too high months ago so one night I left them a message to throw out my stuff and start over. The only thing that upsets me is all my pictures and some ID are gone. I guess I am really starting over. I was a mess when I moved in here a year ago. Everyone here has been telling me that since I cut back on the drugs I am looking very good.. I have a really nice fall waredrobe now because I am always at the thrift store picking up some very expensive things for less then $5 each. I have the best sound system I have ever had by getting a cheap sub woofer with two computer speakers. Sounds awesome now. Then I just waited for the right time to buy a large flat screen tv. I ended up with an eld 28 in for the same price I was going to pay for a 42 inch lcd which I find out is ten times better then lcd's. I love getting nicer things for way cheaper then anyone else has. I also bought a $2000 bed for only $300. Brand new and so comfortable. I have a bad back and it is helping me out big time until today. I spent four hours walking and waiting to see a doctor for the pain and muscle relaxatives. I am also on ulcer meds. Now I take 21 regular pills every day. Then if my back starts hurting there is those meds. Then I take my garlic pills I swear prevents any illness. I also take vitamin d's to make up from the loss of sunshine in the winter.
In my spare time I am trying to find another woman my age with the same dream as I have about spending six months a year every year in the bahamas. I have to wait until my probabtion is over then I will be filing for a clemency or suspension due to mental illness when I got caught shoplifting. Hopefully this will not be a problems during my trips.
Well I am going to sign off today saying you have no idea how many people suffer from depression some time in their lives or permanently ill like myself. It can kill and does. I am a very good writer so I am going to present a very good impact statement in supreme court this year. So I am working on getting rid of my $3000 bill then I have to renew my drivers license and birth certificate. Then I am going to find a car in the meantime I will be spending almost every month for a new condo. I am so miserable living here. I am very good at decorating a room so I turned this small ugly little room with no kitchen or bdrm into a nice clean, cosy and nicely decorated small room trying to give you the illusion that it is bigger then it is.
I think I am going to continue this book right until the end of my court case against my father.
Give someone a hug. It always helps me.
Tere
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