Time warp

Hello. Sometimes I go for days not being able to write anything about my past because it is sometimes too painful. It is much easier denying your true feelings. Like I want to hurt my dad and my ex more then anything. That is my anger management problem working. Now if anyone comes into my home and lies, cheats or steals they cannot come over again. Behavior that could get me evicted is not tolerated and that person is not allowed here again.

I know some women in their 50's or 60's who have died too early bitter and alone for many years. Some turned into alcoholics and hate all men. Sure I have had bad luck with men but I will not treat them all like the last one. I give everyone my trust and heart and soul. If they break it they are gone. I tried that back and forth with the ex only because we had a child but I ended up getting sick and had to leave for the third and last time.

My ex boyfriend of three years commonlaw had everything I did not want in a man but he was so handsome and he made me laugh and forget my problems. We had a very strong connection immediately so like an idiot I let him use me. I kicked him out three times.

I have been hiding for almost three years now. I am enjoying my independence and privacy. I do have friends and clients coming and going so I am not alone all the time.

I met a guy who claims to be Jimmy Hendrix's son. Many people think he is a rock star and run around for him like he is a god. He was coming over to my place alot for many months. Then I found out he had been lying to me for the entire time so I kicked him out a couple times. I don't care if he really is a rock star's son. He broke one of my rules which hurts so I do not want him in my life ever again.

I have been through hell and back since my unwanted birth and went back to these abusive jealous men many times. What did it do for me? I got an ulcer then severe depression with panic attacks.

I have been doing alot of research into the mind body connection ever since my mom told me years ago about some events or fights with my abusive alcoholic father that I can not remember. Your brain is an amazing organ. A couple years ago while living with my boyfriend I went to bed leaving him with his friend. I got up again and went out for almost an hour. He didn't follow me because he thought I was awake. I wasn't. This scares me. I have no idea where I went or what I did. I could have been hurt. This is what stress does to you. I recently found myself on the floor of the bathroom with a concusion. All I remember is leaving the bdrm to go into the bathroom then I woke up on the floor. I had a concusion for three weeks. I live alone. I could die and nobody would know for days.

I like to read articles in my spare time in the psychology magazine. I have even sent them notes asking them to hire me as a freelance writer. No response yet. I have read alot of self help books and been to meetings etc. I have just one therapist who is great and I am going to stick with the one on one connection. I don't like group therapy. It is not for me.

I grew up in a very angry and violent home so I developed an anger management problem. I had to hid it with my co-workers and my son. Keeping all this pain inside just eats you up. It effects you mentally and then physically.

One of the most important things I learned especially since I am at home now with alot of free time is setting goals for myself. I find something I really want but do not buy it until I find the best price for the exact same object. I organize or research things and when ever I reach a goal I reward myself by buying myself something nice. The jewelry store close by loves me...I wake up every morning missing my mom who passed away six months ago and my son who has pushed me away for six years now. I spend all family holidays alone. I have been on suicide watch off and on for years. One therapist told me many years ago he was surprised I wasn't downtown putting needles in my arm. I have always been a curious person and always wanted to learn something new all the time. Education is the key. I am now 48 and very intelligent. It blows men away. They just see me as attractive with an awesome figure and then they are surprised when I start talking.

Picking your surroundings is important also. I moved from a very bad high school to a good one when I was 11. My new school was great and all my friends were higher class with lots of money. I wanted what they had but nobody would just give it to me like they did. I had to work very hard for everything I wanted from the day I was born. I have been forced to be independent with good social skills which were negative traits I turned into positive ones. For every door that closes another one opens. Remember that. Things happen for a reason. If you are a good person good things will happen for you. If you are not a good person I believe your time will come and it won't be pretty. Those are the ones who die early and bitter. I will not let that happen to me.

I hope this article inspires you. Thanks

Tere