We spend most of our lives trying to forget the bad times from our past. When you do this blogging and creating a book or journal makes you have to remember things you don't want to. My mom told me some of my childhood stories that I did not remember at all. Like it was the first time I was told about an event.
I am really interested in the mind body connection. You mind will bury some very tramatic childhood events to save you the pain. There was so much anger and violence in our home growing up that I developed an anger management problem as a teenager. As I got older I had to hide it at work then around my son. The pain just burned inside me eventually making me physically ill like getting an ulcer.
My alcoholic father had ten kids in his family. 8 boys and 2 girls. His dad was an alcoholic doctor. All of the boys became alcoholics and are all gone now except my dad. How my dad out lived my mom I will never know. I might have turned into an alcoholic but I got a bad ulcer by the time I was 11. It went away for awhile then came back when I was 16. I'd go to parties carrying around a cup of pop which everyone assumed had booze in it. At the end of the night all these drunk guys looked at me and said you are sober!! They were all surprised. They all started asking me to drive them home in their car which always was a fast show car. I love fast powerful cars like camaro's. I had alot of fun driving them all home.
I am 48 now and hate being around alcoholics. They all are loud and annoying and always trying to have sex with me. What a turn off big time. I don't understand why alcoholics are attracted to me.
Men have always been hitting on me since elementary school. My father made me feel bad about myself so I could not see myself as being attractive like men found about me. I was very athletic so now at my age I still have a body like a 20 yr old. I never wanted to be a single bitter woman but I am afraid I think it is happening to me. I have no respect for men because not one has taken me out on a date in so many years. They just want to hang out at my place and party then try to get me into bed.
I have learned that the first five years of a childs life is the foundation of their whole adult life. Girls need a positive male role model and boys need a positive female model. This is so important. I am very independent because I had to be right from birth. I turned a negative event into a positive one. I also have very good social skills which has also helped me in my life and career. As soon as I was old enough I was out with my friends as much as I could. I had several groups of friends I hung out with. So there is me escaping my home life forcing me to go out and socialize. I didn't want to be home so I went out all the time.
I was mentally and physically disabled by the time I was 5 yrs old and has never gone away.
If you can teach yourself to turn every negative event into a positive one you will have a good life. For every door that closes another one opens. Things happen for a reason. I know alot of old girlfriends that would never survive what I have. It is funny. I became more successful in my career and raising my son alone then any of them all coming from wealthy homes. When you have to work twice as hard as the person next to you that you usually end up appreciating what you have alot more. I have been with one of the best unions in canada for 24 yrs this month. I became semi retired before I turned 40. I have done lots of volunteer work and the odd part time job which I quit them all. Now I run a business from home making $120 an hour working only two hours a day.
I turned into a computer geek ten years ago. I learn something new every day. I do all my own repairs. I could easily work as a teacher for new users. I have also been trying to find a job writing articles for a magazine or something. I have been trying for months with no luck. It is so hard breaking into this career. Being a massage therapist pays so well and you make your own hours. I make lots of money and only work when I want to. I miss working and socializing at work but you have to deal with two hours of rush hour and try to find parking everyday. That was so stressful. I had to get my son up so early every morning that he ended up yawning in school all the time which made it hard for him to learn. I was often called to come to school to see the teacher, counsellor or principal before I could go home and quickly put together a good dinner for me and my son. I worried about him all the time. I also had daycare problems which did not help my stress level. Then I had my ex and my dad mentally abusing me every single day. Somedays I thought I was going to lose it. Well I finally did. I started having panic attacks then uncontrollable crying. This eventually put me on a medical leave which I had financially planned for many years before it happened. I prepared myself so when I needed the help I get now.
Everyone should educate themselves to medical conditons like depression which does not just affect you. It affects everyone in your life. Seek help as soon as you feel something is wrong. Remember it will probably take seeing several different doctors until you find the right one. Alot of people give up after two and assumes they are all quacks just like my ex did and he really needs therapy. It could take ten doctors before you find the right one. Never give up because when you finally find the right one you are on the road to a happier life. Depression is not a serious condition but it does not go away. Go for a walk every day. It is good for your body and soul. Goodnight.
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