Hello again. I keep thinking about one of the first therapists I met until I found the one I have now. I told only about half of my childhood stories about 15 yrs ago. So much has happened since. Anyways he said he was surprised I wasn't downtown putting needles in my arm. I bet if I went down there to talk to some of them their stories would be similiar to mine.
I am dying inside without my mom and my son. Every morning I wake up thinking about them then I immediately start getting busy on many projects I have going to keep myself busy. If you are fight depression having an animal who loves you really helps also. Keep yourself so busy you don't have time to sit down and cry. I also believe that an on going education is very important. Try and learn something new every single day. I have met hundreds of people in the condos I rented who have no life, hobbies, friends, family. Some don't even take the time to have a shower and dress nicely. I found a way of looking like I have a million on a beer budget. Even though I am suicidal I make sure I have a shower and put on some nice clothes. I am a very good shopper. I am hooked on the thrift stores here now because white rock turned into a hide away for the rich who constantly take their barely used clothes to thrift stores. I am very good at finding very expensive clothes for under $5.Every one thinks I am rich. Taking care of you appearance is not easy when you suffer from severe depression.
I sold my toshiba laptop I paid $500 for. I recently bought another one which is an acer now from a drug dealer for $160. I also picked up the best sound system I have ever had I found at one of the thrift stores. I have been downloading all my favorite songs from you tube. I could easily teach new computer users. I never go to music or movie download site because they have too many viruses. I use you tube. I also pay $7.99 a month for a movie site called Netflix. I am on my computer all day and night sometimes. When my eyes start to get sore I put on a comedy show, a movie or just listen to some tunes. I am also working on buying another 42" flat screen tv. A month after that I am moving out of this small motel I am staying at right now waiting to find an affordable condo for me and my two cats.
White Rock, BC used to be just a retirement community. Now all these expensive condos have been built charging $2000 a month. I make good money but I am not giving someone have my income just for rent. Every place I have lived at had a few irresponsible pet owners whose places stink like urine. They ruin it for clean freaks like me. Every ad says no smoking and no pets. I smoke and have two cats. New people I meet come into my place and all say wow this is nice. I am good at decorating and keeping organized to make a small room look big. I am .constantly cleaning even when I was working 16 hour days my place was always spotless. I have hated the last four places I have rented which does not help the depression problem. The landlords I have in this motel are the first nice law abiding people I have met in so many years.
So there you go. I hope this advice to the many people with depression helps you. It works good for me. Keep busy and reward yourself everytime you reach a goal on one of your projects. Nobody else will pat you on the back so you have to do it yourself. I like going out and buying myself something nice like jewelry. In my 30's I took myself to the caribbean every year alone for three weeks each time for 8 yrs in a row. I have so many good memories. Even though my childhood was hell I replaced it with so many good memories with my friends growing up and all my travelling and all my schooling. I spent about ten years in school taking one class at a time with no help from anyone. If you let your abusers keep you on the ground they win. I refuse to let them win. I came out stronger and better then all of them and they know it. I just turned 49 and I have been set for life since I was 25. Not alot of people can say that. There is jobs then there is careers with benefits, retirement packages etc. I belong to one of the best unions in canada and am very proud of myself. My two cats love me more then my whole adopted and birth family which is alot of people. Most attractive women my age with awesome figures usually have marbles upstairs. Men I meet are shocked to find out how intelligent I am and so independant. Alot of my rich friends didn't appreciate anythng because they didn't have to work hard for anything they wanted. When they found themselves alone they were useless and did not know how to take good care of themselves. Even though my childhood was very angry and violent I now have more good memories which I think about everytime I feel blue. I know alot of people who would crack if they went through the things I did. I just got back up stronger each time. The only thing I am having a hard time with is my ex taking my son away from me because he wanted me back three years ago when I kicked out my boyfriend. He was all over it. When I rejected him he then told our son lies about me which made him hate me. He also had me arrested twice and put in jail. Once over night and all the next day for uttering threats. My ex is hiding from me because he knows I have an anger management problem which I had to hide at work and around my son for so many years. This just gave me an ulcer then panic attacks and severe depression. I know alot about the mind body connection now. Knowledge is power. Remember that. The higher your education and life experiences more doors open for you. I have so many skills now I don't have enough room on a resume without turning it into ten pages which they don't want.
I believe in karma. If you are a bad person bad things are going to happen to you eventually. If you are a hard working, honest and intelligent person all of a sudden doors of opportunities start opening. So remember treat every day like it is your last. I noticed since I turned 40 that time seems to go so fast now. I am now working from home and do not have to deal with traffic for two hours a day anymore. I have doubled my income and only work when I want to. Not many people can say that. The other day I only worked for an hour and made $200. Not all days are like that. I have been very busy looking for three different occupations working from home so that I can quit my massage business. I meet lots of nice people and make good money somedays and nothing other days. It is not reliable enough so I have been trying so hard to find a permanent part time job with no luck so far.
I have so much more going on in my mind but I am stopping here for now. Try and turn all the negative events in your life into a positive one you can use to make your life better. Cheers
Tere
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