I have not posted another article here for awhile. I am still working on how I turn this into an ebook and prepare it for sale.
My son just turned 29 two days ago. It is september now. I will be 50 in a couple weeks. I have nobody to celebrate it with. It is now 9 yrs since I saw my son. Something inside of me died 9 years ago. He was my whole life and he is gone now thanks to my abusive ex husband. I have been abused since my unwanted birth in 64. I have been on suicide watch for years. A week ago I tried to overdose on my meds. I wanted the pain to end but my neighbour found me and saved my life. That was nice of him but at the same time I did it twice for a reason. I have nothing to live for anymore. I have no family and all my friends are gone. People just use me and lie to me. I am sick of this world.
I love robin williams. He recently committed suicide from many years of depression which you would never know because he is always so funny. Nobody saw the pain inside of him. Because of what robin did people are now looking at how serious depression can really be. You can not die from it like cancer but at the same time many people have killed themselves from severe untreated depression. I have to take 21 pills every single day for the rest of my life. I talked to the police about taking him to court to sue him for a financial hardship award. You know what they said. If you were physically abused we could start a report but because it was only verbal abuse nobody I mean the law and our court system here does not take emotional abuse seriously.
Criminals here get more free help then abused people. Apparantely I make too much money for any government or legal assistance. I have to see a pro bono lawyer to sue my dad. He will not be in court with me. He will just tell me what forms I need and maybe help me file it in supreme court because I am asking for $50,000. I am a very good writer. I am going to knock their socks off with my impact statement. I also read somewhere that it is a criminal offense to abuse a disabled child which I was. I cannot wait till we are in court so I can ask the judge if this true. If it is can I charge him. That way I may get some money and he might get some jail time. I never get my way though so it will probably not happen.
I miss my mom and my son so much. It is killing me inside. I have two cats right now that I love. One of them is missing right now which has been very upsetting to me. I miss her so much. For nine years people keep telling me my son will come back to me. Every year kills me more then the last one. He hates me because he believes lies my ex told him about me. Victims never win in our society. Like I said criminals get free legal help, food, accommodations, rehab and on. Every one around me gets money every month called a gst rebate. I don't qualify. I recently tried to get a bus pass for only $45 a year. I apparantely make too much money and again do not qualify so I have to pay $91 a month for my pass.
I was recently evicted from my apartment because of all my so called friends doing shit to piss off my landlord. I had no where to go so my friend don let me move in. He was gone all day and part of the evening. When he did get home he treated me like shit and accused me of stealing. That only lasted three days. I quickly had to find another home. So here I am stuck in a small motel room from hell paying $700 a month without utilities with no kitchen and no bdrm. My landlords tell everyone here that they really like me and recently promised me a big suite next door then they turned around and gave it to a complete stranger. I was so mad. I told them everyone lies. My landlord then told me so you think I am a liar hey. I should sue you. I have not talked to him since. I still get along with his wife though. She is really worried that I may try and commit suicide again. Next time I will lock myself in and make sure nobody saves me. I am told by men that I am very attractive with an awesome figure for my age. They never take me out. They just want to fuck me. So now I am staying away from a relationship with anyone and I am making men pay me for sex. That is how I feel about men. I kicked out my last boyfriend about four years ago. Nobody has offered to take me out and date before sex for years now so I prefer to be single. I have had a very tough life but at the same time I have alot of good memories also. That is the only reason why I am still alive today. I usually get my meds for a week. Now they are going to only give me two days worth because they are worried I will od again. I will just find another way of doing it good the next time. I will not fail the next time. My landlords here were crying when my almost dead body was taken out of here and taken to the hospital. I have almost died four times now. I will not fail the next time. I can honestly say I have done everything I have wanted to do. I am very intelligent with so many skills from ten years of university and so many years of experience working in so many different departments at my job. I have been with Telus for 26 yrs now with full benefits for life. Not many people can say that. I see so many losers doing nothing with their lives except sit around living on welfare complaining all the time about having no money. I have been working my ass off since I was 16. when I moved from north surrey to white rock when I was 12 I was now surrounded by so many wealthy people that did not do heavy drugs. I had so much fun with them. They thought I was rich too but I wasn't. I like nice clothes and jewelry but I have to pay for it all by myself. I have no answer to why I have been mentally abused since my birth, I am almost 50 and it is still going on. I am so confused why everyone in my life has tried to hurt me. If I was a bad person I could understand. I have been kicked to the ground by someone who continues to keep kicking me while I am almost dead. What the hell did I do to deserve this life I have been forced to live. I have been doing drugs since I was 13 to kill the pain. I didn't drink but enjoyed the odd joint over the years until four years ago my last boyfriend introduced me to crack. For the first time my pain went away for a short time. It has now ruined my life. I think it is almost time to do something. I have two choices. I end my life now or go into rehab. I have met so many addicts who all went to rehab and they were all back into drugs. I have been in and out of jail alot in the last couple years. I think I am crying out for help but nobody hears me until I try to committ suicide. I even suck at killing myself. I will do it again but I will plan it better to make sure nobody saves me.
I created this site to possibly save a life but when you have to write down all those painful memories you just want to end your life. The brain is an amazing organ. It blocks out memories that are too painful. I know this because family members have told me stories about things that happened to me that I do not remember at all.
I just put in another all nighter. I seem to think better in the night. It is the 2nd today and I have to be in court again on the 4th. My life just keeps getting worse. Like I said earlier I died inside when my son rejected me. This has been the hardest nine years I have ever had. Now one of my cats who I love so much is missing. I have been crying alot because I miss her so much. Every body keeps telling me my son and my cat will all come back to me. I don't see anything positive happening yet.
I think I should hug the cat I have left and then get some sleep. I am sick and tired of everyone telling me everything will be alright when it isn't. Face it. Life sucks and I have had just about enough of this shit called life. This might be my last post. Thank you.
Tere
No comments:
Post a Comment