Hello. For some reason I have been getting alot of calls from publishers wanting to make money off of me for these articles. I am very intelligent so I think I can market it myself eventually.
Out of all the things I have done which is alot this is by far one of the hardest things I have created. I have had to stop several times because all those bad memories had to come out of hiding and relived on paper. It can be very painful. My mother has filled in some holes for me telling me some things I have done and said that I completely forgot.
A couple years ago I went to bed one night leaving my common law boyfriend at the kitchen table visiting with his friend. Apparantely an hour after I went to sleep I got up and got dressed and went out for almost an hour. He didn't follow me because he thought I was awake. This scares me. I will never know what I did or where I went. I am so lucky I didn't get hurt. Another time I was completely straight walking from my condo bdrm to the bathroom and the next thing I remember is waking up on the floor with a bad concusion which lasted three weeks. These are all caused by stress.
There is so many rich and famous people out there like robin williams who has been hiding the fact that they have one of many forms of a mental illness. There is over 130,000 people in BC alone who suffer from a mental illness. I bet this number is alot higher because people don't want to talk about it.
My first symptom was I thought I was having a heart attack in rush hour going to work. I had all the right signs and no way of getting out of traffic to the nearest hospital so I suffered all the way into work. I sat down at my desk and started crying. I couldn't stop so my boss sent me home. I didn't want to go home because that is where the problem was. It was the third and last time I went back to my ex as he requested.
Someone told me recently that they have been following my articles online for about a year and couldn't believe how professional they all were. I was thinking of putting all my time into publishing this site but I don't think I have enough articles to write a a book. It is mainly a journal and many pieces of advise for anyone else suffering in silence. I may not seem to be a serious illness but people are taking their own lives because of it. My son's 29th birthday just went by and I tried committing suicide not once but twice. My friends here wouldn't let me die though. I was disappointed to wake up in the hospital. I have had a very full life and have done so much more then most people I know so no regrets. My son and I were so tight for 20 yr until a few years ago as soon as I broke up with my last boyfriend my ex was all over it asking me back. My jaw hit the ground. He was an abusive alcoholic just like my dad and he wanted me back. I was in shock. I rejected him and he wanted revenge so he told our son lies about me to make him hate me. I have not seen my son for 9 years now which has killed me. I am dead inside. I lost five babies after him. Then my ex was not done with me. He had me arrested and put in jail not once but twice for uttering threats. I also had to spend hours in court. My son was 17 the last time I left. Instead of asking me nicely for two years of child support he did something I am so against. You do not involve your kids in your domestic problems and he did. He had my son call me from his brothers house up country to tell me dad is taking you to court for child support. I felt like a knife went through my heart.
I have been alone since birth and am very independent now. I have a large birth and adopted family and nobody wants anything to do with me. Nobody will tell me why. Even criminals get their day in court. I don't. My son turned out so handsome, smart, doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. His employers all have loved him and not once has anyone ever told me I did a good job raising him alone. If my ex thought I was so terrible why did he ask me back for the fourth time. I educated myself because both my teacher parents wouldn't give me a dime for college yet they helped their two sons. I now have ten years of college and university. That is what kept me off the street downtown. Then when I was only 25 with a 3 yr old son at home I landed the best job you can get in all of canada. I was set for life. When I finally broke down with severe depression and panic attacks my union was there for me. I have to take 21 pills every day and am in therapy for life because of what both my dad and my ex did to me. One of the first therapist I met told me he was surprised I wasn't downtown putting needles in my arm. I moved to white rock when I was 12 from a very bad area in north surrey. All my new friends were all rich and didn't do hard drugs. I had so much fun with them. They taught me everything my parents wouldn't do. Their parents handed them everything. Mine didn't so if I wanted something nice I had to work hard for it. I now set goals for myself. Small and big. Once I achieve a goal I go out and buy myself something nice.
Recently I became addicted to thrift stores. There is so many rich women with closets bigger then our houses who threw out some very expensive clothes. I can tell by touching the material and looking at labels that I just found something very expensive for only $5. I now have a $5000 closet full of very nice clothes. I am a very good shopper. Everytime something new comes out I patiently wait about a year until something else new comes out then I buy and pay hundreds of dollars less then my friends did. Everyone has always thought I was rich but I am not. Everybody ran out and bought a new lcd tv as soon as they came out. Well I had my eye on one 42 inch toshiba for $500. Once I had the money it was gone. Then all of a sudden these new led tv's came out with ten times better better picture. Well I did some research and finally found one on sale for $500 and it is a 48 inch which I didn't think I could afford.
My dad had 8 brothers and two sisters. All the men turned into alcoholics like their doctor father including my dad. I got an ulcer by the time I was 12 so I couldn't drink so I smoked pot. It helps me eat and sleep and is almost legal now. Over the years I tried the odd hard drug but quickly quick when I found out the ingredients of the substance I was using. Once I realized I was addicted it scared me so I quit. My last boyfriend was so handsome and charming but he didn't have a job or own anything. I took him in and turned into his mother. I kicked him out three times. He introduced me to crack cocaine. For the first time I was happy and talkative so I immediately became addicted to it. I have been doing it for about three years now and have lost most of my possessions. I am finally realizing it is ruining me financially so I am now trying to quit. I will never give up weed though. Crack takes your appetite away and keeps you awake forever. Now and again I quit and just smoke pot which make my figure look better because I start eating more and it relaxes me and gives me a good sleep. I like it so much that I am now looking for a detox centre to go to during the day so that I can be with my cats at night. They have no idea that they have helped me out more then the other way around. I have two of them. One is a rescue cat who was abandoned. I just put a ad online looking for a pure black short haired female locally. Some lady called me and said someone in her apartment building moved out and left the kitten behind. I have no idea how long she was left alone but you can tell she had a tough beginning by demanding so much of my attention. So I went out and paid $40 for a white kitten for her. They love each other so much. When I am having a bad day they always cheer me up. I then figured out that anyone suffering from depression or you are a senior on your own having a pet is the best therapy you can get. I am now having another problem. I gave notice at my last place and spent every day for a whole month trying to find another home I could afford and would allow pets. I couldn't find a home at the end of the month so now I am living in a tiny motel that is pet friendly paying $700 plus utilities. Rent and food have gone up so much even though I have a good income I am struggling. I have lived in this town for 30 yrs and have never had this problem. They want $2000 a month now for a one bdrm condo everywhere and they all say no smoking and no pets.
I have been a landlord and have had every kind of living condition there is and now I will only live in a condo alone with my girls. I must admit I have lived in some places who had many very irresponsible pet owners. I am a very clean and organized person. My landlord now told me recently she wished everyone was as clean as I am. I have no kitchen or bdrm for the first time. I also had all my stuff in storage and lost it all because the bill got so high I couldn't pay it. Everything is gone. One good thing though. My landlord bought a top of the line bed for a new tenant a few months ago. she didn't like it here so she moved out. I asked him for the bed. It is the nicest bed I have ever owned. It is probably worth a couple grand. I got it for $300. So all I own now is a nice bed, awesome tv and my clothes. I have to start all over again. I hit rock bottom because of the crack and now I am trying to climb back up.
Since I left work I did three years volunteer work at our local hospital working with the elderly which gives me 8 yrs experience working with them. I have had a few part time jobs which I quit after about three months. Now I do massage therapy in my home for $80 an hour. If I only see one person a day that brings my income up to around $4000 a month. I make more money then anybody living here.
I cannot believe how many people I have met younger and older then me on welfare always complaining and begging because they are not educated. I was trying to tell one lazy guy that there is alot of government funded programs out there that have employers looking for the top students to hire so that you don't even have to go out and look for work when your course is finished. He just looked at me like I was talking in a different language.
I have two older brothers. The youngest one is so talented. He was in a rock band for years and he was an awesome artist but had no ambition to use his gifts to have a good life. All the women in his life had to support him. His only job for a few years was delivering pizzas. He could be making such good money with full benefits but he doesn't care. My oldest brother who I was closer with has epilepsy. He is very sick. Well he got himself into the construction union making over $30 an hour with full benefits. My dad used to physically abuse him which scared the hell out of me as a sick little girl. Dad would throw things at us which could have killed us. He stopped talking to my parents for about 20 yrs before my moms death last year. Before they stopped talking my mom made it quite obvious that he was her favorite. She promised me a beautiful saphire and diamond ring because it was my birth stone. Well one day she gave it to him for him to give to his girlfriend as an wedding ring. That really hurt my feelings.
I was the youngest and had their first grandson who they adored. That was the only time my mom and dad helped me out if it had something to do with my son. I took myself to the caribbean for three weeks alone during my whole 30's. My mom had no problem keeping him while I was gone. I have so many good memories. So many people at work travelled alot so I got the bug.
I actually don't know anyone who has a high education like me or has been with a great company for 26 years while raising my son alone. Nobody has travelled as much as I have either.
I spent the first five years of my life ignored in foster care because nobody wanted me. Now I learn that those five years are the most important years of a persons life.
When you suffer from depression you have to keep yourself busy. I am always working on something. I have been researching about how to take my dad to supreme court asking for $50,000 called a financial hardship award or ten years of lost potential income because of all his mental abuse. Our court system sucks here unless you are rich. I found out if I was physically abused I would have a case but it is very hard to prove mental abuse which doesn't heal. I have my brother as a witness and my therapist to back me up. Since I realized I have very good writing skills I am positive I can produce an awesome impact statement to give the judge. I also found an article one day that said it is a criminal offense to abuse a disabled child which I was. I plan on asking the judge if this is true and can I charge him. I have to print out a whole bunch of forms to hand into the courts to start this case against my dad. This might all take years but I don't care. I have to first print out a form to ask the judge to waive my court fees. They need me to bring in this form in person with the original signature. Once the judge approves it I can then start to apply to the highest court to begin my case. once my dad is served the papers to appear in court off I go. I am so excited.
As soon as I turned 16 I quit school, got a very good paying job and a car and moved in with my first love. My mom was horrified. I told her if she wants to live like this go for it but I cannot do it anymore. My boyfriend had tatoos and a harley. Looked like a biker but he treated me so good. We kept in touch for 30 years off and on.
I have been single now for about four years on purpose. I had no positive male role models growing up and men were always chasing me because they all thought I was good looking and always had a nice figure. I was a gymnist for 8 yrs and was always active. Men don't want to date me. They just want sex from me which has made me loose a lot of respect for them. I also seem to attract alcoholics for some reason. Now I have a mental note in my head of exactly what I need in a man. This time I want it to be forever. I am willing to wait for this man out there somewhere. I am losing hope though because I just turned 50. I got hit on at work all the time and their was a zero tolerance for that at work. I know some men who got reported and lost their jobs. What do they say to their wife not working and staying home with the kids. Also now they cannot use my company as a reference so how are they going to say what they were doing for the last 20 years just because they wanted to cheat on their wives. I know many women who got the house, car, kids and their husbands wages garnisheed. They lost everything. My ex will go to his grave telling everyone I cheated on him off and on for 26 years..That is what my son believes. There is no proof because it never happened. I was a great housewife mother. I was so lonely. He never showed any affection towards me. Sex was over in five minutes with no cuddling after. So I left him. He then realized how good he had it and kept asking me to come back. Like an idiot I did. If I just had said no so many years ago I probably wouldn't be so sick now. I firmly believed a family should try and stay together. I did not want my son to be an only child but I had so many medical problems that I lost five babies which really hurt.
My son will never know what his grandparents were really like before he was born. He totally believes all the lies his dad has said about me. Any woman who went through what I did would want to kill the guy but I never could. The child support I got didn't even cover the daycare cost each month. It was costing me $700 a month to go to work. Luckily I was home on weekends and holidays with good pay and great benefits. Nobody seemed to think about their life time benefits when they were in their 20's. My first job was working with the elderly. They liked to talk and they taught me what to do and not to do. I have always been able to soak up information I was told and use it to my benefit. Most people don't have that ability.
A few years ago we got a new ceo at work. Everybody hated him. One of the first things he did was form a comittee to go to each and every department and downsize the office. The offered me $35,000 to quit. I didn't take it. One lady got $90,000. Then she found out she just bought a leaky condo which took almost all of her money in repairs. This was about ten years ago. She was getting to old to get hired anywhere. She lost her retirement package, benefits etc. Today people are only getting $9 an hour and have to work just under the hours required so they don't have to give them benefits. I did five years in payroll so I am good with numbers. My $35,000 would have been long gone by now. All my medical costs are free now. I can now work from home to double my income. I have had medical problems my whole life born into this world by a drug addicted 15 yr old girl who left me behind. She had another girl after me who is retarded and she kept her. She had five kids with four different fathers. Everyone knows who their fathers are except me. She hated me. I met her once. She mad it clear that she did not want to see me again. Then a week later I found out she reported me to my work because I used her home number to get her address and just showed up at her door one day after work. Luckily I was very close to my boss. She took me down to security before work one day. I was told she reported me and was trying to get me fired from my job and get a criminal record. Well I started crying so hard that the lady felt so bad that she dropped everything and told me just to leave her alone. My boss had her arm around me the whole time. She knew my life story. She treated me better then my own family did. I miss work and my friends there.
Well I think I have said enough for today. I will probably do a few more articles then work on publishing this blog. I want to turn it into an ebook and get paid through my paypal account. If I can help just one person all this pain and hard work will be worth it. Bye for now.
Tere
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