TRUST

Hello. I have been looking at my articles thinking I am almost done when I realized I need more for a small book so here goes.

Today I want to talk about trust. Every man I have met has let me down. They promise me one thing and do not follow through. Every single one of them. Some I think I can trust I give them anything but they do not give back when they can. This really hurts. It feels like everyone is lying to me. I want to trust men but how can I when all of them are unreliable. I did not want to grow old, alone and bitter. They dont want to date me. They just want to get my clothes off because they find me attractive. I do look good for 50 but nobody respects me. I have been ignored and lied to since birth so how can I keep positive.

I seem to have welcome alcoholics on my forehead. All the losers want me. I would rather be alone. It is a good thing I do not mind being alone. Being independent has paid off. I just keep busy and forget about how much I hate being alone.

I think I am going to write another 20 or 30 articles to make a good size book.

I have nobody in this world I can depend on for anything. I feel so alone. I am 50 now and not one man has kept his promise. I want to be able to trust everyone but the older I get the more impatient I get about them. It does not help growing up with no positive male role models. The first five years in a childs life is so important. If I was not so well educated and intelligent I bet I would be downtown putting needles in my arm.

I have been single for about four years now and am now ready to share my life with someone but I am losing hope. Nobody has ever cared about me. I have no family or friends anymore. It is just me and my two cats who I love dearly.  If it wasnt for them I think I would try suicide again. I have had enough of this life.

I look at so many people my age or older who did not prepare for retirement and watching them suffer now is sad. The decisions you make early in life are very important. Sometimes when I am not busy I work on spending six months a year in the bahamas with another female my age. I do have a criminal record now though so I have to wait five years before I can apply for a pardon and waivor. I am also working on getting my sentence over turned called a suspension or clemency using my mental illness to my advantage. I think I have to apply at the appeals court house. I make too much money for legal aide and not enough for a good lawyer so again I am on my own. I also want to eventually get this case going to sue my dad in supreme court for $50,000 called a financial hardship award or then years of lost potential income. My mind is on overdrive thinking about all the things I plan on doing for the next year and five years down the road.

I have had lots of publishers calling me wanting to do my book for me but they want too much money. I figure I am smart enough to eventually figure out how to do it myself for free. Free is good.

Well that is enough bitching for me today. I am not in a good mood after doing so much for my neighbor then when he gets paid I cant even get a pack of smokes from him. I am so disappointed. I liked him even though he is lazy and boring. He is a taker not a giver. I do both but everyone I know just takes and does not want to give. Well here goes another year alone with nobody to help me or make me feel good. Men just want sex from me so now I make them pay for it. That is how much respect I have for them. I wish I liked women better.

Anyways, it is monday morning very early in the morning. I do not know whether to go back to bed or have a bath. I am not sure when the first bus comes to take me to the grocery store. I do not think I can sleep now so I think I am just going to have a bath and get dressed. I am not in a good mood right now. If one more person lets me down I am going to lose it.

Till the next time. Bye for now.

Tere